THE JELLY BLOG

2012-01-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Post #238:

It's the first day of CNY, there's some lion dancing happening outside my house and I just went visitng with a few of my cousins (collected quite a fair bit of hongbaos too)

But admist all the festivities, all the jokes and laughter amongst the "kids" as we go visiting, Chinese New Year is a good time to spend reflecting. CNY is a "second-chance" new year, it's like if we don't exactly start the actual new year right, CNY is a new beginning for us once more. So here are a few thoughts on a few things I find important.

Productivity

Somehow, no matter how many new beginnings, we always need even newer ones, don't we? There's a certain excitement in knowing that it's a whole brand new start, to say that "From today on, we will be productive", but yet as time passes by we always need to say that. There's always a need for constant renewal I realized, a constant reminder that each day should be productive.

Productive. I understand from the viewpoint that every day should be lived well because time is so precious. Oh, how many times have we heard that - don't waste time, time is precious. It's not that I have anything against it, I can fully embrace that life is short and in a matter of a blinking of an eye, time flies. Yes, I've experienced it before, and I'm still experiencing it. To think that my days in Primary School don't seem too far away and yet I am entering into NS next year, that's a scary thought. So it's true, life is short, time is precious and definitely limited.

But my reservations about so obsessed in "being productive" is how narrowly we define "productive". From the viewpoint that we don't want to waste time and make our moments count and make as many great memories and experiences as possible, the standard definition of "productive" is quite a paradox really. Studying so hard for the A levels until almost all my time is consumed by it, does it really make our moments count? Is it really that great a memory?

As I was catching up with my old English teacher (on Facebook, ironically termed as a "wasting-time platform), I was talking all about my H3s and whatever nots. She wasn't surprised, I haven't changed very much since Sec 4, and I thank her for her encouragements:

Haha I'm not surprised that you're doing a lot and running yourself to the ground as always:) You always push yourself all the way:) all the best! You can do it, as u always have.

But one thing that struck me more than all the encouraging words were words of advice, from someone who has been through everything and looks back at her own memories and the "moments" she created with whatever time she had back then:

Don't forget to have fun, you'll remember the fun bits much more than the studying part:)

To a certain extent, we do remember our studying part. We may reminiscence about it with our friends, "oh don't you remember how much we studied back in JC, that we went home every day first thing we do take out our books and just study?" Sure, nice memory. But more than that, my conversations in just remembering our past went more like that: "Oh don't you remember how screwed up we were? How much fun we used to have?"

So, what's my point: Studying is not important? Definitely not, A levels are important and it would be ironic to tell you that it isn't because I'm definitely going to study for my A levels. But perhaps, heyy, if you're going to study, why not drag a few friends along with you? Sure there'll be times where you guys get distracted and start making jokes laughing about, but you'll remember and enjoy those times so much more than couping yourself up at home to study.

But more than that, start exploring everything. Life is short, just try out new stuff yknow, it's fun to learn new things once in a while. Of course, new good things, don't try things like smoking, drugs or whatnot. I'm talking about expanding your portfolio, take on new responsibilities, challenge yourself to the maximum, because it isn't that exciting to sit in front of the computer playing Neopets as it is playing the real game of life.

Heyy, and please, please for all those of you out there who'd rather study than spend time with friends: Don't think that playing and coming home late at night from all the social activities is a waste of time - no it isn't. Maybe waiting on the bus alone is - heyy, by all means, take out some stuff to study. Maybe we are studying an ineffective way - change that and study with a technique that gets you more output from whatever input you have. Use those times to study, and you realize you have so much more time than you think. You don't need to sacrifice your social life, nor do you need to have less fun just because you are "studying".

At the end of the day, we can look back and we realize - heyy, all the opportunities I had to just have so much fun, just go out with friends for supper and do all kinds of stuff together, I missed it all. Is it that worth it? It's not mutually exclusive, it's possible to get good grades and have a social life. But not if you're "studying" by redoing your TYS even though you know the whole book inside out - the marginal benefits of that is so much less than the marginal cost anyway.

Relax, give a bit of time for yourselves. But all that being said, there's something else even more important that we shouldn't sacrifice studying for. And that's our spiritual walk.

Matt 6:33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteouness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

The way to be "productive" in our studying may seem a bit counter-intuitive, but it really is to seek God first. Spend some of your time studying to pray instead, because wisdom and intelligence are blessings that come from the Lord. We go through life climbing up a ladder, but many a times when we reach the top of the ladder we realize that we wanted to be on the other ladder instead.

Sometimes what we do, is like a rat race. Sure, you can be the winner rat, but at the end of the day, you're still a rat. All you've won is a rat race. To give a modern example, sometimes we want to be the winner neopets player, get millions or billions of neopoints. Haha, we work so hard for it, at the end of the day, it's just all neopets. You'd rather spend that effort earning real money, money that actually counts rather than neopoints.. -.-

That's just an analogy, real money isn't our focus. But when we focus on the ministry, we achieve this: We win every race. The race of studying and whatnot, it's given to you because you focused on your spiritual walk first. And the race of growing in the Lord, yeap, you've got that too. Everything falls into place.

When we try to focus on everything else and make our lives so self-centered, everything falls apart. When we just focus on God, everything falls into place.

Wow, that's quite a long rambling about thoughts on productivity. Now, thoughts on other matters:

2012-01-07T02:56:00.000-08:00

Post #237:

The long-awaited, 2012 post.

Haha, 2012 definitely has its fair share of work and stress, so let's think of some that I already expect (in no order of importance of course):

1) ZeoGen (Church) - Wow, rising up to Cluster IC, 4W Committee and RJFC anchor, going to be a lot of work! But serving His kingdom is always such a joy, and I wish I could do even more haha. Even by January, must prepare RJFC R&R, meet with cluster people to see if can plant cells, send out the first batch of 4W with Cheryl, hmm... oh, and school is starting.

2) A levels - 6 years of studying all boils down to this. Of course, before that, there'll be CT1, CT2 and Prelims, looks like there'll be a lot of studying to do.

3) APIO, IOI - I must really start working very hard if I want to get into IOI and win a proper medal. Look, it's my last ever possible year to take part in IOI, really hope to make it count and not regret after. That means faithfully going for CS3233 and actually doing the problems, having the discipline to do more COCI/mrjudge problems and whatnot.

4) RCSC - I regret to say that I've not been working very hard for RCSC, so it's time to do the Chairman post a bit of justice, start organizing camps and trainings and whatnot. Make the difference and leave a legacy - while I still have the time remaining!

5) SSEF - Oh c'mon, how can I ever forget this? There's so much to do and it's only a few days left to submitting my report - results are terrible, what am I to do?

6) Ecolit - I think I really need to start on the Ecolit project, come up with some concrete things if we want it published by this year. My project is some game (Zoom cards) and it's so cool, first time I'm going to publish a game (:

7) CE01 and TYA - I really need to start getting serious about coming out with the product, we need to do a CE01 report as well haha and hopefully get Distinction (when we submit it for judging). Need to start rising up for TYA as well, quite a lot of responsibilities too ok.

Hmmm, what else? Social committments and social life? Another huge point of stress. When I think of more stuff I'll put it here, but seems like my year would be kindaf busy. Haha, oh well, God will empower me and give me strength (:

2011-12-31T01:44:00.001-08:00

Post #236:

New Year's Eve. [With no reference to the midnight movie I watched in the A-leavers camp]

It's been a very long year. Many changes, many transitions, many enjoyable times, yet many regrets. Few milestone events that happened this year that I want to thank God for [if I can even remember all of them]:

Moving on to JC - Orientation and New Class

Forming our CE01 group and joining TYA

Joining EcoLit and all its camps

RSI Science Research Project for SSEF

Anchoring the RJ-FC cell (: (:

Organizing RJFC TGIF 3 salvations + 3 rededications

NOI Gold and CS3233

APIO Silver

Getting EAGLES, MOE Pre-U Scholarship, A*STAR Science Award

Becoming RCSC Chairman

Organizing Raffles June Course (as well as Raffles December Course)

Machine Learning Summer School (a school waay too high level for us actually)

XSite 1st

CTs :(

SDMA (haha what a great experience, staying up late at night to do modelling and stopmotion)

Rising up to Central Cluster anchor (40UP)

Successful 40UP - Prayer walk at night, Exam Blessings, Blessing canteen stall uncle/auntie

Planning JAMUP as Logistics Head (JAMUP had all the blended drinks, settlers/doodle/music cafe, etc)

Jingwen accepted Christ (somewhat) xD

Promos (4 Deans List hehe)

MDAS Carolling

TYA Volunteers Appreciation - Outstanding (Teen) Volunteer

Ps William Dec training + logistics for A-leavers camp

Planning JAMUP2.0 as OIC (JAMUP2.0 had all the nativity play, thanksgivings, photobooth, appreciation etc)

Did I miss out anything? Haha, been a memorable year. But plans for next year? Here are my thoughts:

- to be filled in later hehe. gotta go church countdown le seeya!

2011-12-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

Post #235:

Merry Christmas. (At least belated one by the time of this posting)

Sometimes with all the festivities, Santa Claus and whatnot that society makes Christmas out to be, we forget how Christmas even started and the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, God who came down on Earth to save us all, and to give us life in abundance.

Tonight, even as we near the end of 2011, let us take some time to reflect back on the year. Christmas is a time of thanksgiving, and as we see how blessed we are, let's begin to give thanks for the good things in our life.

What are you grateful for?

2011-12-15T18:10:00.000-08:00

Post #234:

Blank Post #?. Been a long time.

2011-12-08T05:57:00.000-08:00

Post #233:

Blank Post #17/18. A double blank.

2011-12-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

Post #232:

Blank Post #16. The second half.

2011-12-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

Post #231:

Blank Post #15. Halfway through? Or not?

2011-12-04T09:49:00.001-08:00

Post #230:

Blank Post #14. A friend's birthday

2011-12-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

Post #229:

Blank Post #13. The unlucky number.

2011-12-02T08:28:00.003-08:00

Post #228:

Blank Post #12. Said it.

2011-12-01T08:13:00.000-08:00

Post #227:

Blank Post #11. A new start.

2011-11-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

Post #226:

Blank Post #10. 10 down, 20 to go.

2011-11-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

Post #225:

Blank Post #9. Talk, talk, talk.

2011-11-28T05:56:00.001-08:00

Post #224:

Blank Post #8. The pursuit of happyness.

2011-11-27T01:02:00.000-08:00

Post #223:

Blank Post #7. A dreamy dream.

2011-11-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

Post #222:

Blank Post #6. Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering.

2011-11-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Post #221:

Blank Post #5. 5 down, 25 more to go.

2011-11-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

Post #220:

Blank Post #4: It's blank. Deal with it.

2011-11-22T23:17:00.000-08:00

Post #219:

Blank Post #3. I'm wasting posts.

2011-11-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

Post #218:

Blank Post #2. Nobody reads my blog anymore. Not hard enough anyway.

2011-11-21T04:06:00.000-08:00

Post #217:

Blank Post #1. Jean, if you're reading this...

2011-11-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

Post #216:

When everything crumbles, what do you hold on to?

What do you do when your boat that provides you that security and support starts to sink? What could I say? What could I do?

It's the beginning of a new chapter - a chapter where you walk on water.

Keep an open hand, and an open heart.

2011-11-05T10:52:00.001-07:00

Post #215:

A Chinese song, haha does it sound familiar to you?

2011-10-30T03:37:00.000-07:00

Post #214:

Wow, for the first time in a long time I'm posting music that isn't Christian music. Think this is a rare occasion worth celebrating:

It's a song that I played in the Band before. Quite nice, worth having a listen!

Haha, this Chess post is kindaf inspired by a facebook conversation I had with one of my friend, which was slightly weird and stretched, but worth sharing:

Status: Checkmate. Any action or inaction on your part can be used against you. It's when you step across a line - the same line which then encircles you. What else is there to do, but to give up?

There are some squares that you shouldn't be on, and some lines that shouldn't be crossed. Just that one cannot always foresee which move will lead them into what position, which is a sad limitation of life. All you can base on is experience, and this could be a lesson learnt for future situations on how to not cross those lines that will encircle you again.

Then again, sometimes a seemingly-checkmate situation may not be hopeless. Maybe it requires the Queen, or other important pieces, to be sacrificed for the continuation of the game. Maybe it requires pleading the other player to not kill you off this round. Or perhaps a miraculous twist of events happen, and with the right mix of factors playing in their opportune time, you realize that there's light at the end of the tunnel after all.

Then again, do you think you are still in this status?

Haha er I think I already know/knew that?
Hm as for the seemingly-checkmate situation, I think you should know this already but just in case you don't - if there was a way out (e.g. for another piece to be sacrificed) then it that situation wouldn't be considered a checkmate. It's then a 'check', not 'checkmate'.
So logically, whether I'm still in 'this' status or not, depends on the other player's move (e.g. if the threatening piece is moved away, if the King will be eaten immediately, or if the game stagnates and no move is made).

Yea, a "check" may be "seemingly-checkmate" when you value the other important piece so much to the point where it's not an option to lose it. In a simple game of chess, unlikely, but in our complicated world, some things aren't that clear.

So, do you think the other player has moved already?
--

Huh? No.. 'Checkmate' is when there's no more legal move, not when you have moves but don't want to use them.
And, I don't know?
--

Notice I say "seemingly-checkmate": It seems like a checkmate and can be mistaken for one, but it isn't one. It seems hopeless, but there are actually ways out, for example, sacrificing the piece you never wanted to sacrifice for the sake of the continuation of the game. It then boils down to whether you prioritize the King piece over your other pieces.

Well, most players after trapping their opponents into a checkmate would kill them off immediately, end the game, secure the victory as soon as they can. If the other player hasn't done that, then could it be that the other player is not an opponent seeking to kill you off? Maybe your opponent isn't an enemy after all...
--

Yea.. your King is supposed to be the topmost priority right? If it's gone/sacrificed, game over. Ok I don't get your whole seemingly-checkmate thing so nevermind.
As I've told you, I don't know. Think you're stretching the analogy too far though.
--

My "seemingly-checkmate" thing is just saying although it SEEMS there's no way out, it isn't the case. I'm stretching the analogy to make a point, that maybe your opponent in your case isn't out to kill you and end the game. Not expecting you to know, but I'm just suggesting and giving my input on the scenario.

Haha something I'd want to reminiscence a few years down the road?

2011-10-26T02:10:00.001-07:00

Post #213:

At times, I just feel that everything I touch turns to dust, and sometimes I just can't do anything right. Looking back, I've been so adamant about things so immature, and I realized just how silly I am. I'm really not acting my age, I feel so so damn embarassed about the stupid things I could do.

As a friend told me, "ji sui le?"

I'm not thinking clearly, maybe I thought it was the "rational" thing to do when I'm so caught up in my immature world, but the more I hold on to what I think, the more I realized that it's been so dumb.

Even looking back at my thoughts, I can't help but wonder how people can be so tolerant of my immaturity. I've changed a lot, and I probably will keep changing.

The only thing I've never regretted, the thoughts I felt were "mature" and at least not dumb, is that related to loving Jesus with all my heart. That's the wisest thing I've ever done, and ever will do: to give your life, everything you are and everything you have, to the One who created you and died for you on the cross.

Doing God's ministry is the greatest thing that you'll never regret - everything else is just so meaningless. When I fixate and turn my eyes unto Jesus, the rest just doesn't mean much to me anymore. And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim...

Jesus, take the wheel.

Anyway, as I promised, I'd post about my promo results here after I got it back..

Really want to thank God and give all glory to Him!

Physics - 87/100 (A)

Chemistry - 86.1/100 (A)

Mathematics - 92/100 (A)
Economics - Case Study: 22/30; Essay - 18/25 + 19/25; Overall - 75 (A)

GP - 58/100 (C)

Hoping to get 4 Dean's List. Praise the Lord! (:

Guess it's really a testament to how if we put God first in our lives, He will bless us so abundantly.

As I asked a friend to do a memory verse, Matt 6:33 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

2011-10-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Post #212:

Sometimes my thoughts are expressed in the videos I post.

2011-10-10T04:02:00.000-07:00

Post #211:

An attitude of gratitude.

Don't you know how blessed you are? You have more than you need, you are so much more favoured than many others out there. Blessed.

Do you treasure it? Are you grateful for it? Or do you need to experience life without it before you appreciate it?

Sometimes we all focus so much on the negative side: of people, of circumstances, of relationships. We start whining about how the other person hurt us, and all the negative traits of a certain person - but why don't you start being grateful for the blessing that the person's presence has brought to your life? Surely there must be good characteristics that you appreciate about that person - then be grateful that the person isn't even worse or treats you worse!

Sometimes our pride shouts at us and tells us "That person treats you badly. You don't deserve this."; but let's turn it around "You treat that person badly. You don't deserve this."

And it's the same for God's grace - how long have you been rejecting God and when He calls out to you to draw near to Him, are you too busy living your life or worrying in your doubts to bother? You treat God badly - your sins nailed Him to the cross. You don't deserve His love, in fact, you don't deserve to have any normal man die on the cross just for you, then how much more do you not deserve Jesus?

But yet God in all his amazing love, pours out blessings over blessings to us when we absolutely don't deserve it. The grace of God just cannot be comprehended - it's too awesome!

To be given something you don't deserve - the natural reaction is an attitude of gratitude. It's the natural reaction, don't ever let your pride hinder that.

2011-10-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Post #210:

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than just a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

Its all about you
Jesus

This song really brings me back to those days, around 2006-2007 there.

Sometimes I miss the past so much. I compare it with my life now, and I really want to run back to how things used to be.

But even as I face saddening circumstances in the present, this song speaks even greater - it's all about Jesus. And God's presence just fill my heart once more afresh - I don't want to live like this anymore. But you know what, that's all the things I've made important, my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my relationships - those are only secondary. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You.

2011-10-03T05:32:00.001-07:00

Post #209:

Promos are finally over!

Predicted grades (may be a little lower than what I will get because I want to expect less, so that when I get back my papers I will get a good surprise - rather than expect much and get a shock that I didn't do as well):

Physics - B+ (careless mistakes like the smooth floor)

Chemistry - B+ (super careless mistakes - I tick 2 and 3 but then my option I put was B (1 and 2) instead of C(2 and 3), what kind of mistakes are those? plus i forgot quite a lot of stuff like branching isomers)

Mathematics - B+ (well, always been quite careless in maths, plus they always pick on the stupid stuff)

Econs - D (Well, I got a D the previous time for CTs and although I think I did comparatively better, I think my standards didn't change much from previously)

GP - E (I got an E for CTs and I think my GP has not improved much, if at all, plus the essay question was unfamiliar unlike the CTs in which the essay we did in a class test before with Chris Koay)

Overall: About the CT results, but I believe God will do a miraculous work (even though I was super tired and sleepy and SICK throughout most of the papers) and I'll do better than the above grades (hopefully)

Only time will tell, hurh?

Well, now that promos are over, there are other things to settle.

For one, it's time to light the fire again.

2011-09-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

Post #208:

Sometimes, I think I miss the old you...

Didi... :/

2011-09-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

Post #207:

Today was a terrible day.

In fact, I realized my life is getting more and more terrible.

My stupid mistake.

Oh, I shall collapse all my curt posts before this into one post.

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

2011-09-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

Post #206:

As seen in the latest post, I shall collapse my previous curt posts to one long post.

Sept 17:
A pure heart, that’s what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides Your word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that’s undivided
One You rule and reign
A heart with love, compassion
That pleases You my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to Your throne

~~

Sept 16:
Do you even know what I'm thinking? Do you even care?

Sorry for all the curt posts, don't have much time, nor the mood, to explain it further on my blog. If you want, ask me and I'll explain to you.

Sept 14:

What could I say? What could I do?

I'm feeling rather down lately.

...

Are you just going through the motions?

Sept 11:

I don't have time to maintain these regrets.

Oh, how sweet the light of day,
And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
Even if you live a long time, don't take a single day for granted.
Take delight in each light-filled hour,
Remembering that there will also be many dark days
And that most of what comes your way is smoke.

You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But know also that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.

Live footloose and fancy-free—
You won't be young forever.
Youth lasts about as long as smoke.

- Ecclesiastes 11:7-10 (MSG)

Sept 8:
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning.

Can't live by how I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals.

Oh, how I missed how things were like in the past... I'm running back!

2011-09-08T00:02:00.001-07:00

Post #205:

Pride.

Why do you want to be the "very best" in all that you do? Why do you even feel inferior when others have reached greater peaks than you? What's wrong that you are not the best in the world?

Why do you want to be the boss all the time so that you can be at the very top, and have nobody to "boss you around"? Why must you be the one giving orders and enforcing your wishes on others, but yet you not willing to receive admonishment and accept it?

Why do you feel jealous that someone else is in a higher position? Why do you feel angry when someone you think is "not of a higher position than you" acts like he/she is?

Why do you care so much about your image and what others think of you? Why can't people view you in a negative light, and perhaps think you're "weird"? What does it matter if people look down on you? Why are you so defensive over your reputation?

Why must you always be right? Can you never be wrong? Why is it that you must come up with all sorts of excuses for yourself all the time, so that you at least seem that you've not make a mistake and whatever you're doing is justified? Why is it that you don't want people to enforce rules on you, but you want to seem as if you are the upright one?

Why do you want your way all the time? Why is it that even when you could compromise, you don't want to because then you'd feel you are "in the compromising position"? Why is it that you have the gain the most out of everything?

Pride.

And that same pride, Joseph, will lead to your downfall.

What is the "meaning of life"? What the hell are we living for? Sad to say, I see barely any purpose in what we're doing, what we're struggling for, what we're aiming for. Then what kind of life is this that's barely worth living? Why we so desperately aiming for what's of this world, what does grades mean to you at the end of the day when you die?

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it...

I'm not happy.

By the way, I'm super super frustrated now. I can't believe what's happened to me, and I definitely am not prepared to "face the music" and all the awkwardness now. Just with one wrong move, things have took a drastic turn, at least when I face him once more. Worst thing is, he doesn't even want to talk about it.

Maybe I should have been much wiser, but wth, it's too late. Stop thinking you can get away with everything, Joseph! One day, you will get caught. And if you never, well, one day you will. Just wait and see.. Venting my frustration by banging my head on the table, and I feel like just running away, never see him again. Oh man, how I wish that was possible, just to hide my face in some paper bag...

I think I've screwed up quite enough already. At the very least he told me (part of it) instead of just keeping it to himself, but I really hate it when people tell me half and then don't tell me the full story. To someone like me who values information, I want to know more, but in this situation, there's no other way to know more. Nobody else knows, only he does and he's not willing to share.

I knew something was wrong the moment he said those three words, "you shouldn't have..." but I was in such disbelief that I didn't think it could ever happen. Haiz. What can I do now?

If only I could go back in time, and undo all the mistakes I've did. Then maybe I could avoid this whole thing - and he will not have such a bad impression of me.

Of all people, why him?

2011-09-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Post #204:

So so much has happened since the last time that I blogged, that I think if I did blog about everything in detail, I'll not be able to sleep tonight and be ultimate sleepy for GP tomorrow, which is totally not a good thing.

I'm going to keep this a short post, I know I haven't posted here for long, but I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?

Anyway I've been really confused lately, and I guess I must really thank the people who've been recently helping me sort out some stuff in my life and have shared some light into the darkness. One of which is Lianne, a really good friend of mine that took some time off (in fact, she's supposed to be studying for O levels!) to chat with me over (really long) SMS, then MSN, then over the phone for a while to help me sort out some of my problems that I'm stressing over.

Haha the whole long-call thing I had with her just now really reminded me about those times back in primary school where I'd conference call all the people like Den, Cass, Jia Ying, Lianne etc through the evening and spend the whole time talking and talking and talking over the phone about everything under the sun. Those were the times man, when we had so much time to waste and to just get to know each other so much better, wonder when we'll ever do that again, maybe we should one day (but perhaps in the dec hols la after your Os and our promos/prelims/As)

I won't say all the things in my life are settled, but at least now I'm a bit clearer on what I should do, and haha she's going to lend me a book to help me in guiding my decisions! Whee, ok but I wonder when I can even get from her, she goes for teens xcite when I go for English service. Either way, I can't wait to borrow the book from her. It was really nice to be able to catch up with her so much, since I haven't been talking to her like that for perhaps few months/years already, so got quite a lot of new stuff happening in our lives that we could share. And it's nice to reminiscence about the old times in primary school. Just hope I didn't disrupt her O level studying too much!

I guess I need to learn to let go and give people their personal space, I realized that I've been suffocating people a lot and the more you hold on, the more they'll struggle to let go. Sure, letting go has no guarantees that the person will come back to you, but at least if they do it's their choice rather than you forcing it upon them. And that means so much more than even getting to "hold on" to a person who's unwilling. All's fine when I say this now, I know it in my head, but sometimes when the feeling takes over, I just get swept away by emotions and I just don't do what I know I'm supposed to do.

I really don't want to let go because I'm very very afraid of losing it. But Lord, let me learn to be able to not hold on so tightly, for I know that Your plans for me are always good that even if I lose something that I think it's irreplaceable now, I know You have even greater plans for my life.

2011-08-23T04:17:00.000-07:00

Post #203:

In our hearts, Lord, in this nation
Awakening
Holy Spirit, we desire
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

In Your presence, in Your power
Awakening
For this moment, for this hour
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice and this is my
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice and this is my
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

2011-08-13T05:21:00.000-07:00

Post #202:

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

2011-08-08T10:35:00.001-07:00

Post #201:

It's amazing how you can miss someone so much. :(

2011-08-02T05:00:00.001-07:00

Post #200:

YAY! POST 200! THE MILESTONE 200.

It's been such a long time since Post #1, all the way back in October 2007, when I was just a little Sec 1. 4 years have passed so quickly, I've grown so much from Sec 1 to J1, had many new (both good and bad) experiences, and many friends who've joined me on board life's journey.

But through it all, God has pulled me through the thick and thin, given me strength at my weakest, shined light in my darkest moments and forgave me in my worst moments. He has seen me through the different seasons in my life, and even when everyone was against me, I knew that the creator of Heaven and Earth loved me so much to die on the cross for my sins. And I'm carried in His everlasting arms, He'll never let me go. I guess the first thing as I reflect back on these past years is really that everything I have, everything I am blessed with, is all from God!

But enough about the past, maybe I'll do a full reflection of my 4 years in the next post, but even as I reach this milestone blogpost, I think it's really about where I am now. And this is the checkpoint in my life where I want to especially thank the people who've been supporting me all these while and being there for me when I needed them. It's really good to appreciate the people in your life once in a while I guess. So, in no particular order...

Jean: I know I've been sometimes demanding and irritating, and we may argue a lot, but I really appreciate the fact that despite all these quarreling and unpleasant moments, that you've never really given up on me and you're so ready to freely forgive me each time I trespass the boundaries (there are some lines I cannot cross...) You had no obligation and didn't need to entertain me and my insecurities, but what really touched my heart was that you still did, and stuck by me no matter what. I really thank God that I got to meet you (and that you didn't take some funny humanities combi and not be in my class). Perhaps there'll still be future arguments and exasperated moments, but I believe that we'll work things out and persevere on, showing patience and kindness to each other, even though we may not feel like it.

Nat: We've been good friends since Sec 3 and our friendship is still going strong. Really love the fact that I'm doing so much stuff with you, RSI, CE01, EcoLit etc and although you may not have the best sense of humour (Jee!), it's really nice to talk to you about everything under the sun and reminiscence the times we spent together, be it remembering our old teachers or looking back at the times we slept on the field stargazing, it's really such a joy to have you as my good friend! Haha it's quite funny how my class calls you "short gay friend" lol blame Desmond.

Philemon: PHILLY! Haha ok seriously man, you deserve some huge award of longest-good-friend-ever and super-similar-to-me-friend award! Haha can't believe I knew you since you were this little young kid in P4, (although I didn't knew you that well then which is such a pity) and we've practically watch each other grow throughout the years (be it in RIMB or French Class haha). It's really great to have someone I can trust with my secrets, and I'm so honoured to know the most about you as well. I think you're the person who knows the most about me, woah, we've really been through a lot together... You are such a nice (maybe overly) and innocent person, always thinking of others and compromising yourself to please others. It's amazing and people like you are rare, if not impossible, to find and I'm so glad we met.

Jingwen: I've known you for for 4 years now, oh oh do have a look at my Nov 7, 2007 blogpost archive! Doesn't explicitly mention you, but you should remember at least (or have a laugh)? Anyway, these 4 years we've been friends... ahh who am I kidding? Haha I've only got to really know you this year, which is such a pity because it would have been so cool if we actually knew each other better before this year, then we end up in the same class. You're a really nice and patient person, fun to talk to (and tease abt everything under the sun from duck to paw to stuff-only-guys-should-hear-about) and all the times we've talked on MSN (I think you have the largest chat log with me you know? Be honoured man...) Come church with me again soon ok!

Moomoo: MOO! Haha you are a really nice person to put others before yourself and it's been really nice to share (and for you to patronize) all my funny ideas that you should do! Haha when are you getting to do it? Good plans must be carried out man! Anyway you've been a really good listening ear when I'm bored on MSN (which is most of the times actually) haha and really appreciate those times you stay up with me just to accompany me and counsel me.

Ethanyn (mei): Heyy meimei! It's amazing how we've been close to each other even through the years, e.g. back in Sec 2 where we'd just go ice-skating together and how we just had dinner together this year. Really fun to chat with you and your bubbly-ness and friendly nature really makes me happy each time I'm talking to you. Love how we used to webcam each other every time and we'd always be happy and laughing and smiling, maybe we should do it again one day?

Lloyd: Heyy! -gets into the "punching" position- Haha you are an amazingly smart (and muggerish) friend who got super high for your GPA (haiz all because of chinese ok...) Anyway really glad that we are in CE01 and EcoLit together as well, things will really never be the same without your friendly presence and quirky habits. (:

There are so many more other people I'm close to: Michael, Shi jie, Shuen, Yi Wye, Cass, Joseph(s), girl-who-calls-me-cute-and-handsome, sy, tiff tiff, jodi, hongyi, hubert, jiajin, my regular cell mates (yingxin, dawn, jiani, joel, gloria, sam ang, shaotong, vanessa, benson, joel), keijun, ranald, gina, choo, shin, many more I may not remember :/

I wish to mention individually how much you mean to me but then I really have to go now then maybe I can come back and edit this post again?

Anyway, to end off, 200 posts may have passed. But now, guided and led by God, embarking on this journey together with my friends, I'm looking forward to the next 200!

2011-07-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

Post #199:

(WOW one more post to the milestone 200!)

I realized that I've been quite a terrible person. To my good friend, I really apologize for all that I've done. I'm supposed to be one of the nicest person in your life, but in the end I became one of the most demanding (and irritating) person to you, being unreasonably selfish and wanting my way to drain you out even more when you were already so tired and needed more rest. Instead of supporting you in what you do and trying to help in whatever ways I can, I was so selfish and just thought of myself.

I guess I used to be a bit more self-sacrificial and supported you in ways such as your PI etc, maybe I still would actually. But then now it seems as though I'm expecting more from you rather than purely just wanting to be there for you and just being someone that you can count on. I focused a bit too much on my needs to be sensitive to yours, and I really should change that because all I want is that I can be a better good friend to you as well and that you would be happier.

But I admit, I have my own set of needs and insecurity as well that I'm trying to satisfy myself, and maybe it's because you are my good friend that I begin to look for you to help support me in that. Maybe it's good in that I do need you (if I don't need you at all and can just do without you, it'd be quite scary), but admist all these I don't want to be so caught up in my needs that I become indifferent to making you really happy. Your happiness should never come at a cost of mine, and of course ideally, we should make each other happy!

So I'm sorry if I've been chasing my own happiness at the sake of yours, and have demanded from you more than I should. Sometimes I may need to know you will be there for me, but I must first prove to you that I will always be there for you.

HAHA ok today was quite an eventful day (somewhat), I went to church early in the morning and duckie agreed to come along today! Since she lived nearby (or at least, along the way), I got my dad to fetch her so that we could go together (and more convenient)! I had to go especially early today cuz I needed to be at Ministry Team briefing, and I felt bad if I just left duckie alone for a while when I go for my briefing, so I quickly called on the ever-trustable moomoo to come really early to accompany her!

Anyway so during the Ministry Team briefing we grouped into 3, and then in my group there was this girl who looked really REALLY familiar. I asked for her name, she said "Isabel" then I was like "you look really familiar..." Then she went "you look familiar too..." Then after that we both snapped (get the pun later!) and both said together "SNaPP!" (now you get the pun, hopefully)

HAHA oh my goodness it's so coincidental, she was talking about how she went supper w this guy after church and whatnot and I didn't know IT WAS MY CHURCH. Actually I kindaf did because I saw her dad I think during Derek Hong's Seminar, but then it's still cool to be able to see her and I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE RECOGNIZES ME. Haha her dad doesn't though. :/

I still have my SNaPP handbook with me, and I think it's quite useful and insightful haha maybe I should employ some of the stuff within the handbook to make me a better person to the opposite sex.

Anyway, it was duckie's first time to church so she was invited to stand up so that the hospitality team can welcome her and all. Then so cute you know, she told me that she thought she had to give a speech or something HAHA, that would have been so intimidating. But I'm glad and proud of my church friends such as moomoo that they have been such friendly people to make duckie feel less awkward.

Today's sermon was by Ps Wes and although he may not be a "powerful" speaker like Ps Bert (Ps Bert is awesome), it was great nonetheless. During altar call so many people came up it was so squeezy and not many people got prayed for cuz there was so little ministry team people. But I was glad that God used me to touch the people I ministered to, because the people I prayed for started crying and crying as I prayed and really felt the presence of God. Even after everyone went back, he was still crying over there, could see his red eyes as he stood up. And I thought to myself, his life is going to be changed because God touched him!

So that's that for service, went for lunch with cellmates, went home and have a nap and was smsing rachel (one of my cellmates) the whole afternoon/evening haha about stuff I shouldn't say on this blog. OK happy day!

I'm very excited about entering into this 40UP (a church campaign) season, where we believe for God's empowerment. I guess it's really awesome and wonderful that I've been assigned as the W.A.T. Central Cluster anchor person, and I feel very VERY honoured to be entrusted in such a position. I really don't want to disappoint the people who trusted me in this position, and I want to lead the people under me well, to make them feel proud to be in a happening central cluster!

But at the same time, I think I'm getting a little apprehensive. I called for a Central Cluster meeting this Friday (I think I'm one of the only cluster anchors that call for meeting), booked the consolidation room and everything is prepared. I have a good message that I want to share, a proper important agenda and we are going to have such an awesome time!

If only more people could make it. Right now more and more people are telling me that they cannot make it, most people have CCA (it is kindaf at an inconvenient time I admit, plus it's all the way at TC) and whatnot, I'm just a little fearful that attendance will not be as much as I expected. I'm really praying to get at least 20+ people, but I'm not sure how that's going to turn out now. Today I got news that some people don't even know what the whole central cluster thing is about, after all, I only announced it thru fb and I don't know a lot of the people who are under me (I will get to know them this Friday) Maybe I'd get Shi Jie to video then the people who cannot make it can at least be aligned to the objectives and direction through FB.

Now I really feel that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Maybe I'll put that in my message that I'm going to share on Friday.. It'd be a bit awkward and embarassing if too little people turn up, plus the people who turn up may be a little discouraged that the cluster isn't as happening and all. It's the first impression, and I feel as though there's a certain burden on me to make it good. But no matter, I'm just going to trust that God will pull me through, and empower me and give me the resources to do His will!

Not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of God.

2011-07-19T06:06:00.002-07:00

Post #198:

If you're not touching people's lives, you're not blessed. The blessing of God is always in the giving to other people. And the most you can give is your time. You can't put a value to your time, when it comes to the time you sow in each individual and lives are changed, you can't put a monetary value to that. You can't put a monetary value to a life. That's where the blessing is. Break out of the small mindedness, break out of those things and lift up your eyes! Look at the multitudes!

Don't get caught up in the circumstances of life and in your situations, break out of that and start touching the people around you!

2011-07-17T11:52:00.001-07:00

Post #197:

Stop being so full of yourself! I'm sick of it, I don't want to hear another word of you and your problems! Everything's about you, you, you! What you want, what you demand, what you feel, I'M TIRED OF YOU! Stop making everything to be about you, because the truth is, it's never about you.

It was never about you, and yet all these while, you thought it was. But you were gravely mistaken, my friend. Wake up your idea and stop living in your own freaking self-centered bubble!

2011-07-08T20:32:00.001-07:00

Post #196:

HI ALL! Haven't blogged in such a long time, and so I want to take this time to update my blog a bit (:

Anywaaay, over the past week, we've received a few CT results, namely Phys MCQ, Econs Case Study and Chem (Full paper). Come to think of it, we'll be receiving a lot of our papers back on Tuesday, so I probably will blog about it on Tuesday. Ok admittedly, I haven't been very nice to some people when I reveal my marks haha (SORRY!), but hope they know I don't mean it and take it in a light joking manner (:

Jean, I'm sorry that I've been annoying and irritating and intrusive to you, but... never mind, sorry! Jingwen, sorry I suanned you about your Chem/Promos the other time haha hope you aren't too depressed about it k. Hopefully you'll get over your sad stage soon.

As (some of) you would have known, I topped my class for Chem. Then I was joking around with Shi Jie and Yi Wye that "Ehh you know everytime the teachers will tell the mark of those who topped the class. Rob me of my joy man!" HAHA ok sounds very suannish but it's a joke k, I don't really mean it! (And my joke did make a lot of people in the table laugh anyway since they know I'm totally joking and don't take it to heart xD)

Haha, anyway I shared my "super-secret" to my prayer group on how to score well for exams. Then when I was with Shi Jie and Yi Wye, I was talking to Shi Jie about how it's because of my secret that I did well for my papers. Then Yi Wye was really interested about it, but I said "I should only tell you when you are in the right place." Haha then Shi Jie was like "nicely said!"

But still, talking about good results, to whom much is given, much is expected. I've been so greatly and richly blessed with good grades, freely I have received such blessings from God, freely I must give. Even Ms Ng asked the stronger students to help the weaker students. So I shall freely give of my time and effort to pull up those who are poorer in grades and I will be available to willingly and wholeheartedly help those who approach me for help.

Now that I got back Chem results, I could always start with Chem. Already, a friend (who sadly got U for CTs) approached me, and I feel it's really a blessing to top the class because then people will approach me for help more and I can be a greater blessing to more people.

But here's a disclaimer: I am only qualified to help in Phys, Chem and Math. I didn't do very well for Econs, esp the essay, so if you study Econs with me you won't be getting a lot of productivity out of it because I'd be about your standard anyway, so very little "diffusion of knowledge" so to speak.

Talking about Econs, I know I screwed up and could have EASILY done much better. But I've got over my depression over Econs because I want to give thanks to God for everything else He has given in my life. This is (a snippet of) the message I shared over my prayer group, and I guess I'll share it hear in the blog too:

I may not have done well for Econs because I chose the wrong essay question when I knew how to do the other, but I realized that sometimes we focus so much on our failures, so much on what we don't have, so much on what God has not blessed us with that we forget how abundantly God has blessed us.

Think about this: If God had not blessed me, I wouldn't even know how to do the other question.

If God had not blessed me, I wouldn't even be here in RI. I could have screwed up my PSLE and then be in a worse-off position.

If God had not blessed me, I wouldn't even be here in Singapore, I could be some poor kid in Africa doing hard labour and have no chance for education.

And if we take it really far out, if God had not blessed me, I may very well not be saved by the cross that when I die I will be thrown into the lake of fire and not go into Heaven. It's really scary, especially when I read stories of how people who encountered near-death experiences and even though they were in the "death" just for a few seconds, when they "woke up" they were so traumatized and crying and crying. Just because perhaps they experienced Hell for a few seconds, how much more if that would last for eternity?

Reminds me of a story: "He had a complication whereby we had to put a pacemaker down his collarbone vein right there on the floor. It had a big effect on me. Blood was spurting everywhere, I was pushing and I told him to shut up and not to bother me with his Hell business. I was trying to save his life, and he was trying to tell me about some nefarious nightmare he's had in the death throes. That's what I thought until he kept saying it. The nurses gave me that look, as if to say, this is a dying man's wish. He then asked me something that was the ultimate insult, which was, 'Doctor, pray for me.' I told him he that was out of his mind, I wasn't a minister. Again he asked me to pray for him, and the nurses were still looking at me with anticipation. So I did. I made up a make-believe prayer, a nonsense. I just wanted to get him off my back so I told him to say it after me. 'I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God.' Go on, say it. 'Please keep me out of Hell.' Say it! 'And if I live I'm on the hook, I'm yours forever.' I remember that part well, because he's been 'on the hook' ever since. He is a firm Christian man. Each time of interrupted CPR to adjust the pacemaker, he would convulse, turn blue, stop breathing, his heart would stop beating, and I'd reach over and start him up again like you can. Every time I'd let go, he'd be back in Hell.

After I said this prayer there were no more writhing experiences, no more negative fighting attitude. He was calm. I asked him the next day to tell me about being in Hell. I told him he had frightened the nurses to death, and he had scared the Hell out of me. He said, 'What Hell? After that prayer you gave, I remember seeing my mother when she was living, although she had died when I was three years old.' Impossible! He picked her out of a photograph album his aunt brought in next day, but he had never actually seen her. He identified her from her clothing. He had seen her in Heaven. What apparently happened was that he had sublimated the Hell experiences to painless parts of his memory, but after the conversion he had Heaven experiences." (from: http://www.freechristianteaching.org/modules/smartsection/item.php?itemid=279)

Would I rather be saved and have eternal life, or get good grades for Econs essay? When we fix our eyes on Jesus and the great blessing He has given us through the cross, that's more and all that we can ever ask for.

If the God who created the whole universe would die such a painful death on the cross because He loves us, how much more would He not freely give us blessings upon blessings in our lives? If only we truly understand the Father's great love for us! So it's about time I stop being so depressed about what God has not blessed me with, and start being optimistic about life, going through life with the joy of the Lord!

By the way, just to consolidate what I said, watch the 0:30 and 4:40 of the Part V (the second video) of Indescribable in my previous post. No matter what mountains or failures we are facing, Jesus just wants to tell you that He loves you through it all. No matter how messed up our live may seem to be, if we just come back to Him, He will take all our failures and transform them.

Anyway I shall post more when I get back from volunteers outing. Haha I'm meeting them at Cineleisure, but I have to leave early (I don't get to watch the Transformers movie with them even though I sorta paid for it) because I have to go rush to emcee for Music in the City - Bands by the Bay 2011 at Merlion Park. Meanwhile, they will have NDP rehearsal so I can get to see the helicopters and fireworks and whatnot.

Ok I'll (try to) blog when I get back! Edit: I'm back! And here I am to blog again lalaa I don't feel like creating a new post so I shall add on to this one.

Anyway I just wanted to do a mid-year review (since we all love doing that) of my life! So let's try to do a really quick mid-year review, probably a quick summary and maybe I'll expand on it in another blogpost:

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." Luke 2:52, NIV

Just like Jesus, we grow in four different aspects of our life, wisdom (perhaps in this context academics), physical, spiritual and social.

Wisdom: Will edit this when I get back all my CT results

Physical: Ok I am really really glad to get a Silver for my NAPFA and it's really by God's grace (: Although I do need to start training if I want to maintain my standards, I haven't done a pull-up in a few months!

Spiritual: During the past few months I've definitely grown in my intimacy and walk with God, listening and learning from His word. Over the past few months, I've had had the honour of being in the W.A.T. team and leading/anchoring the RJFC cell into TGIF and also the great pleasure of leading the RJFCJ1 cell. I am so excited and looking forward to 40UP and more W.A.T. events, and I can't wait for the W.A.T. meeting on the 14th July!

Social: Admittedly, I have lost a few of my good friends (or rather, I've drifted apart from them and have not been close to them le). But on the bright side, I guess I've made a few new good (or at least quite-good) friends in this year, especially for some people in my class hahaha. So to my current (and new) good/quite-good (I define this very broadly) friends, thank you for being there for me when I needed you

Ok, I guess I should dedicate another blogpost to a comprehensive mid-year review and setting new goals (:

2011-07-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

Post #195:

Ok if you are reading my blog, you MUST watch the following two videos! Hahaha it's such an impactful video, to put everything in perspective...

Haha I feel like blogging about CTs, but I will only do that after I receive my CT results.

Maybe I'll come back and edit this post later, a bit lazy to blog now (:

2011-06-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

Post #194:

It's my birthday again.

Hahaha thanks for all those who wished me happy birthday so far (as of 4:30pm):

FB (with some very memorable posts highlighted):

Grace Yap

Wang Ye

Wan Ling (who called me Mr Gullible!)

Wahid

Edmund Ho

Cherie Sim

Zhao Yixian

Lynn Chan: "Happy birthday, Joseph! :)"

...in which I replied: "HAHAHA THANKS LYNN! OMG HAHA THIS IS QUITE FUNNY Jean Chan. Anyway, hope i've been helping you by accepting your requests on café world? (:"

Wasiq

Shi Kang

Sheng Han

Gina: "OMG LOL LOL DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOUR BDAY HAHAHAHAHAH HAPPY BDAY LA JOSEPH!!!!! Stay FUNNY and like PLASMODESMATA K LOL XD Just don't plasmodesmata about my secrets can liao. I hear anything outside I know it's you ah...IM WATCHING YOU O_O"

Bryan Cheong (sortof)

Clare Seah

Shawn Chew

Xing Liang

Sudeep

Hui Chiang

Parisa

Kwek Sher Ling: "WAH!! today is the day where SMART people are born?!! HAHHAHA!!! HAPPYBIRTHDAY JOSEPH!!! have an AWESOME day ahead with you-know-who yep??!!! *winks* =D"

Joseph Tan: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JLEE!!! :D TOO BAD YOU COULDN'T SPEND YOUR BDAY WITH THE PERSON YOU WANTED TO! Its okay i'll get you a pair of jeans for your bday :D"

Lester Lim

Shin Huoy: "Happy birthday, angrybird! xD"

Denise

Laura Kuan

Zhong Hao

Mason

Sherman

Avishek

Jacqueline

Tiffany

Sean Cham

Deborah

Ms Low: "Happy Birthday joseph...still sleeping in class..oops sorry, should be still thinking deeply in class?"

...in which I replied: "HAHA THANKS MS LOW!!! (: urh, hsince when did i ever sleep in class? -whistles- HAHA no la you see my head back to normal now, not bent at one side already! (: can ask my chem teacher how good boy i am now, @Xinyi Ng (: (:"

... in which Ms Ng replied: "Oh ur cheM teacher was ms low! Siew HsieN he still sleeps in class but rarely la.. Only Caught him twice so far! Happy birthday Joseph!"

Josephine Tan: "Happy birthday joseph! have fun celebrating your birthday with you-know-who-who-is-my-good-frien-who-you-always-hang-out-with!! hahaha"

(I notice there's a very recurrent theme in some of the birthday wishes I get)

Kenneth Choong

Myko

Ho Yu Xuan

Lye Jun

Chia JJ

Sheryl Ang

Vanessa Chan

Justin Lee

Seth Lim

Samuel Chan

June Chan

Shawn Tan

Euan

Rashpal

Marcus

Crystal: "HELLO JOSIE hao jiu bu jian happy birthday! I realised some time ago that we were actually classmates way back in P4 and then OGmates 7 years later, which is sort of cool haha. Have fun this year ahem I see your social life v exciting hor ~"

Jinjun

Sang Juice

Chow Jia Hui (why am I so big?)

Chia Bing Tian

Liwen

Dion Ng

Muhi

Ian

Gao Ming

James Tan (Joseph Tan's bro!)

John Cai

Keith Ong

Low Kang jie

Kevin Chan

Kerry Cao

Daryl Koh

Titus Ng

Edlois Ang

Yijiang

Lexus Lee

Shaw Shiuan

Rayner Loh

Victoria: "hihi josie. happy birthday! :D please be a nice chairperson this year and don't bully your poor secretary any more heh"

Weilong

XueZhou

Jethro Kuan (Japser's brother!)
Shen Chuanqi

Naman

Seob

Vishnu (why am I your uncle?)

Nick Tan

Chuan Kit

Rachel: "happy birthday josie!!! :D ve never really talked to you much, but...ohwell i still remember the time where i tied your hair in class and then a whole bunch of us got into trouble with tongtong XD why your dp like some old uncle sia HAHA okay have a nice day :)"

Iggy

Sarah

Chow Xiang

Ranald

Jerald Seow: "Hey Joseph Happy birthday man!!! We really needa meet up and talk again, instead of you just SHRUGGING ME OFF IN CHURCH ;) Have a blessed day man! God Bless!"

HsiEr

Ting Wei

Martin

Wei Tai

Brendan

Joey

Jiani

Shijed

Eugene Phua

Kaiser Koh

Jacob Chen

Yenyi

Aiysh

Ying Feng

Jie Qi

Teck Wei

Phoebe

Jikian

Desmond

Pangwei

Pearlynn

Jia Ee

Lloyd

Wann Qin

Yuxiang

As of 4:30pm, I've got 111 wishes on FB. Thanks guys!! (: (:

MSN:

Chew Shi Jie

Shi Kang

Hongyi

Luo Yuxuan

Jonathan Ang

Josephine Tan

SMS:

Ethanyn (early wish?)

Philemon

Jingwen

JEAN!

Smrithi

Chow Jia Ying

Joseph Lim

Moomoo

Cass

IRL:

Philemon

Hannah

Nat

Lloyd

Thanks especially to people who got me gifts...

Philemon (Mr Happy plush and a peanut hugging this bear that says "nuts about my friend" + a very nice treat at Tony Roma's yesterday night where the Baby Back and the Carolina Honey ribs were awesome!)

Nat and Lloyd (huge black angry bird that will bomb me soon xD + a great card)

Hannah (a SuperHannah! erm it's a very cute paper clip shaped like a dog)

Hmm, now it's 4:40 and I'm leaving off to Taiwan tonight. See how many wishes I'll get for the rest of the day xD

2011-06-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

Post #193:

Is this Heaven on Earth? Why have we forgotten?

Wow my holidays have been really packed. Like really really packed. First week was filled with camp, second week mon-fri was RJC (Raffles June Course), 3rd week was MLSS (Machine Learning Summer School) and 4th week I'm going overseas on a family holiday. HOW TO STUDY FOR CTS LIKE THAT!

I'm really screwed for CTs, and I do desperately need help. But more than that, I desperately need time. Haiz, it's so stressful that I've taken on abnormal eating habits of eating terribly lots of food, and I'm not getting much rest with all the pressure and stress on me. I need someone to save me from this crashing waves.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm.

(Oh btw I miss someone!)

2011-06-08T05:07:00.001-07:00

Post #192:

Haha you would expect this post to be Camping Part 4! And I'm sure all of you are waiting to see what exactly Mr Daniel Goh and Ms Grace advised about me and Jean and what really spoke to me from their advice. But I'm feeling a little evil (or maybe I just find that a public domain isn't the right place to share), so if you want to know, ask me personally over MSN or something. (Just so that I know who I'm talking to rather than some random stalker knowing about my personal relationships)

May edit this post later, just got back from school.

2011-06-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Post #191:

Camping Part 3!

As promised, here is Part III of the week's updates. The week has been a really really happening week and there was the Ecolit camp on Fri-Sun. So I arrived in school on Friday, being super ultra tired from CCAL camp and I couldn't get the song "A Little Respect" out of my head:

Haha even at the preparation to the camp I was like dancing to this song that we've learnt in the CCAL camp. Then you know the chorus has the "Oh baby please..." haha Joel was singing "eternal peace..." with totally different actions hahaha. It was quite funny how it could be misinterpreted, or rather, miscommunicated until like that...

Anyway, so Day 1 of Ecolit camp started, and we were supposed to cycle to explore Pulau Ubin. I was a weak cyclist (to be honest) but I still took the single bike rather than tandeming with the teachers or something. Which was good because I managed to ride pretty well (that everyone didn't think I was a weak cycler) for most of the journey, until I tried a really sharp turn, actually a U-turn to be more exact, and I fell off my bike and got a nasty cut on my right knee. Terrible choice to try something so stupid at the start of camp cuz that would kept haunting me for the rest of the camp.

Did some pretty nice bird-watching, saw a few amazing birds and how they swooped down to get their food (which we id-ed as "the crazy pulau ubin diving bird") and if you want to see my awesome nature journal on that you should ask me to show you haha. I don't draw really well but I'm quite proud of that journal entry.

Anyway, night came and we cooked dinner (or rather, the master chefs cooked) and it was amazing. Like seriously, I didn't know ecolit people were such great cooks. We had Spaghetti on the first night with some really really nice rosti that Grace cooked (thanks Grace!) Had a bit of roller coasters for snacks (haha thanks to whoever bought that roller coasters man!)

After dinner, we started having our lepak session which was Truth or Truth (basically we decided there wasn't a lot of dares to do in Ubin so...). The funniest thing was that the teachers/instructors (Mr Daniel Goh and Grace) joined in as well, so it was fun getting info out of them but yet a bit embarassing to share some secrets when they are in the conversation. But we treat them like friends la, then of course when the "bottle" got to me, everyone asked about Jean. LOL I think it has become such a well-known "scandal" for the people who know me lurh...

So well, I told the truth and everything. And then after my turn Daniel and Grace started giving a lot of advice (to me, and to the rest of the group) about BGR. Haha nobody asked them to, but everyone wanted them to talk deep in their hearts. It was really really interesting and everyone was listening very intensely, and they really spoke from their heart through their experiences and I think it made a lot of sense to me.

Want to know exactly what they said and what made sense to me? Haha wait for Part IV of the Camp Series!!! (:

2011-06-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

Post #190:

So this is Part II of my camp week! Where did I left off? Hmm, yea, Tuesday (Day 2 of CCAL Camp)

Ok so well I woke up in the morning even before Mr Leong's wake up call (amazingly I woke up before any alarm and I thought I was late - the sun rises really early there at Bintan) I ate like 10 sugar biscuits for breakfast then I realize that there is breakfast so I just ate more (wow the food is amazing man, feel so pampered compared to like OBS or something)

And on to our first activity: Dragonboating! I actually did it before in CCAL Camp in Sec 1 - 4 side, not sure if any of you still remember, then Mr Kenneth Kwok was like talking to us after our dragon boating session about how he still remembers his CCAL and ACCAL and how they have made an impact on him as their senior.

I still remember how that became one of my theme for Band, because it's really when everyone is in sync with each other, each person pulling his own important weight in the boat that we can move together as one. Well, I guess the same goes for RCSC, we already have such a small batch, all the more we need everyone to work together to push us on through rough waters.

Well, we dragon boated to this amazing lunch place where the sea was like any Bintan poster and it was simply amazing. Seriously, the water so clear you could just see the different shades of blue and it's just beautiful. To top that off, the resorts looked like an awesome place to relax in - I so want to come here for a honeymoon next time man.

So we had lunch and on to our next activity: Trekking. Since there wasn't anything much to say about it, I shan't. Lalala I'm just lazy to post about trekking when there's so much more to post about the whole week.

Anyway, then came dinner and then night activities where I guess the highlight of it was the dance (which I'm still trying to find on YouTube). I seriously can't get the song off my head and it was awesome how we did the cluster dance - everyone standing in the lobby and just dancing to the lyrics! Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.~~

But during our night activities, it started to rain and we were all like "DAMMIT OUR TENTS DIE LIAO". Amazingly, yeap, my tent did totally collapse and my bag got wet considering our tent was flooded inside. Terrible thing to expect especially when we're all so tired and just want to get back into our tent and sleep. Did a bit of damage control and just slept with a few more sugar biscuits for supper.

Onward to Day 3. Well, I guess at this point of time I want to thank Charlotte for being such an amazing friend and talking to me during CCAL Camp and all. Haha I remember I think it's the start of Day 3 when we were sitting together on the bus and she said something like "Heyy you're quite fun and nice to talk to..." When I heard that I was so honoured man, I mean, I don't receive praises like that very often and it really warmed my heart to hear that someone actually likes talking to me. It's amazing and I guess it boosted my confidence in social interactions, so yea, thanks Charlotte!

The first activity was Rafting. Haha our rafts was amazing and it went all the way out to the sea without breaking apart (or even if it did, it still held us all the way to the sea). And then at the end we just lepak around in the beautiful sea, splash a bit of water to everyone and just had fun, was a simply amazing time. We needed a lot of rafia string so during mini-games Charlotte and I found damn lot of rafia strings (actually it's just Charlotte), and Keat Kee was damn observant in finding the rope from the kayak amongst all the other groups, and our group was just simply funny doing the "Turn Around" dance so we got quite a lot of free rafia string for us to hold our boat together. (:

After that we moved on to Reforestation, where we just planted saplings in this muddy water. But the main part of it wasn't really the reforestation cuz you just had to plant about 7 saplings and that's it. The main part was the awesome mud war. I mean, you always want to be in war but never want to get seriously injured right? And that was exactly what happened.

We were just throwing mud everywhere and you look at the sky there's flying mud everywhere. Foong threw a huge mud rock on my head and so I started declaring war on Foong and everyone started joining in the war here and there. I also started to play some pranks and then I did quite some facials on Liwen (sorry!) and there was once I did on Charlotte. Then she turned back and was like "ehh it's not funny. walao some mud went into my mouth leh" then I felt damn freaking bad. Like I kept apologizing and I really didn't know what to do, then to my surprise she took one slab of mud and threw at my face. I guess that's her way of saying "I'm playing with you too" to make me feel less bad, but she did say in the end that all those was an act. She must act really well cuz I was really very very scared/apologetic.

Then came Grand Dinner! Ok everyone was asking me to take a picture with Jean (I wonder why) and so I did take a picture with her using Charlotte's camera. Then Charlotte went up to Jean and was like "heyy jean can i take a picture with you?" even though Charlotte didn't know Jean at all. I was like O.o hahaha my whole group loves Jean ok. Selene went up to Jean and was like "HI JEAN" while Jean was walking to the toilet and then Jean was like "err.. who are you?" and Selene was like "Oh, I'm Joseph's group." Another time it was on the ferry terminal, our group was already leaving then my whole group went 3 2 1 ... BYE JEAN!

Haha anyway I was chasing Jean around during Grand Dinner, which wasn't a very good idea considering that people could obviously see us. Which was why on the last day, when I was writing my reflection paper (or rather, letter to myself), Shi De went writing "It was really fun chasing you around, esp during grand dinner" and then passed me back the paper saying "Don't think we never see you two chasing each other about!"

Either way, it was a memorable camp, made loads of new friends and had loads of fun thanks to my group - really wouldn't have been the same without you guys. I was a little reluctant to leave, but I guess I missed Singapore and all the amazing technology too so focus on the positive and look forward to everything you do! And that concludes my CCAL Camp. (:

The next day after CCAL camp: Eco-lit camp at Ubin! Haha coming up in the next post, some advice from the teachers (about me and Jean hahaha) and my experiences in Ubin. So for the post on Eco-Lit camp, look out for Part III, coming your way soon.

Camping Week Part I

2011-06-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

Post #189:

This week is Week 1 of the holidays and it's filled with camps. Seriously, it's some camping week k, CCAL Camp from Mon-Thur and Ecolit camp from Fri-Sun. And this is Camping Week Part I post.

CCAL Camp was really quite awesome! Haha and it was really awesome cuz I was in a totally awesome group - B2!! (Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1?)

Haha ok let's post about this systematically. Well, it started off with me not being familiar with anyone in the group at all so that's terrible la, that I have no good friends I can talk to well in the group. So I guess I was rather sad about it and was quite reluctant to go since it could be quite torturous if I was in a sucky group with sucky people right? But I guess I was quite wrong about that, and I'm really glad that I made new really good friends during camp and all. So that was totally amazing (which I will talk much more about my group in the later part of this post)

So let's start off with Day 1! We all have to arrive at AHH at 7 (which was crazily early especially for people who live really far away from school) and it was just registration. Quite sian, everyone sat in our group but then there was no activity, just waiting, so Selene and I, the two more hyper people in the group then, decided to self-initiate some simple icebreakers haha. We must be too familiar with having ice-breakers at the start of any group, but anyway, I learnt a new game called "Honey if you love me please smile for me" Apparently, you have to say that and make the person laugh. If that person laughs, he/she has to do it to someone until that person laughs. I laugh really easily so I got saboed by Selene, but I guess I'm quite funny too so I made Charlotte laugh. Phew.

After that we went on our bus ride and then on the ferry to Bintan. When we reached Bintan, it was quite an amazing scenery so our group decided to take a few photos here and there. I wanted to take a photo with Jean, but she wasn't too keen on it and kept shoving me away. And this was in full view of my whole group, which totally started teasing me about it. For example, when we were doing our team bonding games, Charlotte was acting as me and Selene as Jean then Charlotte tried putting her hands around Selene but Selene was like running away etc.... Fortunately, I wasn't the only one being teased hehehe. Haha, my facilitator must think we're nuts.

Then at night we had a cookout in which Charlotte (our awesome food i/c) led the cooking and the food was simply amazing. Like seriously, I really really enjoyed that first dinner. But, honestly Day 1 was quite boring since it was kindaf a lepak day and there weren't much activities. Just getting used to camping I guess.

Day 2 was when the stuff started happening. BUT, that'd be for part II of my Camping Week post. Maybe it'd even have my ecolit trip stuff too? Haha see how bah.

2011-05-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Post #188:

People ask me what's the significance of the 7th night of July? (I've been rather obsessed about it lately, together w many other things) Is it my birthday? Lol, if you ask that question, you obviously aren't a very good friend of mine to not know when my birthday is! But yea: here's the seventh night of july for those who don't understand:

Haha oh oh random random: I came across a really cute comic: http://www.xkcd.com/903/# And I realized it's quite true, everytime people ask me questions that I cannot answer, I'd go wiki it and give the wiki answer hahaha. Really can identify with the comic, it's amazing how there are some things that really speaks to you and you can identify with.

GP CTs today, I was rather unprepared and I really shot myself in the foot. I wonder why I'm so stupid, I attempted the question on "Education has only caused more inequality" and so I talked about education allowing for social mobility for like one whole page (which was 1/3 of my essay) then I said that "Social mobility does not equate to class equality since the smart and talented can get richer and those who aren't can get poorer - but that doesn't mean that there is equality between the upper and the lower classes". What an idiot, so my argument was kindaf flawed. That wasn't the only part - I talked about things unrelated to the question (ATBQ) like how there are many aspects of inequality such as gender infanticide that education cannot touch (which I disagree w my point actually but I had no time to qualify) and I spent so much time during the planning stage (cuz I was just thinking and thinking and didn't come up with much substantial points) that I had no time to keep my F/Q/E structure. AHHHH!

That's just my screw-ups for essay, I think I'm quite screwed for my Compre as well. But ahh, if even Mr Koay can get an S for his first GP CTs, I think it's expected I don't do that well either right? Haha, aiya what a lousy excuse, just because people don't do well doesn't mean that I can don't do well - I am measured not against the achievements of other people but against my own potential. So if I have the potential to be something really great, surpassing the achievements of many others, I shouldn't be content with just beating the rest. But if I have the potential of not achieving that excellence in a particular field, I shouldn't beat myself up but rather focus on my other strengths.

Anyway, apart from my studies, so many things have been happening in my life now, and with the busy-ness of things, I barely have any time to react. In fact, I haven't been thinking properly lately and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm losing my grip on the things around me, and more significantly, on myself. I am torn, confused, disillusioned, and the list of synonyms goes on. I really think I'm starting to break, like there may be something within me that just snaps and poof! I'm desperately trying to hold on to my sanity, and try to be composed, confident and be in control.

But I'm not in control of my life anymore, be it in relationships or other stuff. In fact, I was never in control, but at least things were still going fine that I seemed like I was in control. But now as things begin to unfold, things start to happen, that I realized I never had that control all along. I was never really driving, I was just sitting at the seat acting as though I was. As long as the road was straight, the car stayed on a smooth path. Now that the road starts to wind, I am helpless on steering it back into its path.

Things between me and a friend have gone implicitly cold, but I don't understand anything. Sometimes I wish things were clearer - I wish I could read people's minds so that I can react and reciprocate likewise. If I don't know how a person is treating me, how can I reciprocate? But slowly, I think I am letting go (I always say the secret of life is in letting go) and I'll just let God take over, whatever His will for me is. Sometimes I pray for a relationship between me and a certain person, that we will be close together and that our relationship will grow. I make that request based on my feelings and my wants to be close to a person, but then how can I insist on my way, whether I should be close to a person or not, if I don't know what's best for me anyway? If it is God's will, He knows what's best for me. It says so in the Bible in Rom 8:28! Either way, I think things will become quite normal soon, nothing big anyway. I hope.

I am becoming very sick - physically, mentally and emotionally - but I'm not going to accept it! I reject this sickness from my life and I'm fighting against it with God's healing! God wants to heal holistically, Isaiah 53: 4-5 (NKJV) says:

"Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed."

Jesus came down on Earth not to just die for our sins, but He died to carry our griefs and sorrows through which we can experience emotional healing, He died for our transgressions and inequities that we may experience spiritual healing and going back to God, and He died so that we can be physically healed by His stripes. If Jesus came to die on the cross to bring us holistic healing, how then can anyone say that God doesn't want to heal us? In fact, He already paid the price for our complete healing! So I'm going to accept that amazing gift and believe in faith that I AM HEALED!

You think you are well and whole? Without God, you cannot be. Only God can make me whole, give me strength and make me grow. But yet I keep trying to focus on the other things in life when they are so insignificant compared to the love of God! It's time to return to leading a God-centered life, rather than a self-centered one.

Oh, God let us be a generation that seeks Your face.

2011-05-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

Post #187:

The seventh night of July (too bad it isn't the seventh night of july yet. hopefully i rmb to post on that date, would be cool xD)

Haiz, really no mood to post further.

2011-05-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

Post #186:

Haha on Friday before the Physics thing (which was quite cool), our class was lepaking around. And then we started sending random smses.

Using Desmond's phone, we sent some nonsense sms to people like Joanne or Manfred. And the girls used my phone to SMS Jean... -.-

"Hi Jean, good luck for match. Just because I'm a bear and you're a cat doesn't mean we don't match. Love u."

(Note: Chris Koay called me a bear and called Jean a cat in the previous GP lesson)

Then after that I wanted to SMS Jean saying it's Jingwen and Smrithi, but then Jingwen wanted to send that SMS. So we made a deal that I'd type whatever she said, and so I started typing:

"Dear Jean, the message that was sent to you just now was me and only me. Nobody else influenced me to do it."

And so I did patronize her and type that, but me, being the rather crafty little boy I am, added one word before I sent it. "Smrithi." Hehehee sneaky ehh!! (: (:

Ok on to more reflective stuff, I think it's really time to break down my pride. I realized that me screwing up my Physics (seriously damn screwed k - and I'm not kidding!) has hurt me quite badly (I was thinking about it the whole of GP) and why is that so? What does it really matter if I screw up one small little test - I mean it probably won't affect much my grade at the end of the year since it holds such a small percentage. But then I realized that I was so affected by it that it couldn't be just because of the marks, no, it's because I wouldn't have the "superiority" when I get back my paper. It was because of my pride.

I always use the excuse that my pride is a defense for my low self-esteem (which it is...) or I'd say that my ego is a fun one to generate some humour and laughter... but because of my excuses I let my pride manifest itself. In a sense, the things I say as a joke, I subconciously took it seriously and I let that become part of me. I've built up a wall of pride within me that I need to break down - maybe it's good that I was that little vulnerable kid again, used to shame and humiliation that there's really nothing to be proud about.

Maybe it's time I really didn't care about what others think of me. I'm so used to being in my mask that I don't want people to have a different perception of me sometimes - even when that perception could be for the better! Maybe it's time I didn't care if I didn't keep up my "reputation" of being smart and always scoring damn high, what does it really matter even if everyone suddenly saw that I was actually quite dumb?

In a sense I started off too high. I started off exalting myself, saying how I got top in Physics and whatnot, and this has been shown in my life countless of times:

For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted - Luke 14:11, NIV

Truly, it was a hard lesson but it's time to humble myself, to show everyone that I'm not all that great.

Anyway, all these are the small things in life, the small things of this Earth that would grow strangely dim. It's time to realign my focus to the things that are truly important - Jesus! I'm going to leave everything, and let the Lord transform me totally to be more and more like Him, that everyone will see and be attracted to the light of God within me!

It's time to be transformed!

2011-05-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

Post #185:

I'm a thinkaholic sometimes. I think too much, and sometimes I get so caught up in my worries and thoughts - What do they think of me? How do they treat me as? - that my heart would suddenly feel so heavy and cold with all the worries of life. And as enjoyable as the moment should be, as funny as the jokes should make me, I get so caught up in thinking that I forget to live in the present moment. My thoughts are such a burden to me sometimes.

I know that it is exactly these times that I'd look back at the end of the year, or more memorably, at the end of my 2 years in RJ and reminiscence with nostalgia, the times I've spent with the people I love and the moments we've shared together as a class. And I don't want to miss any part of it - I don't want to regret that I've not been living fully my JC life and enjoying the presence of my awesome classmates... All just cuz I think too much.

Seriously, I wish I'd think less. Or rather, I wish I'd think less negative thoughts. I wish my heart was pure and my mind straightforward. I wish I wasn't jealous, nor envious, nor hateful, nor selfish, nor scheming, nor proud, nor self-conscious... I wish I wasn't a lot of things. I wish I didn't think some thoughts, and that my mind was just more blank at times. Sometimes, I rather not think than think about such depressive thoughts. After all, it is the thoughts that affects our feelings, and our feelings affect our well-being.

Oh, can't believe I screwed up Physics today. Haiz my Physics powers are really draining from me, it was so bad I don't think I can even get a 4.0 now. And the worst part was - I actually do know how to do it, don't know what I was thinking. Grah it's time to step up my game. Seriously, this sucks.

2011-05-09T05:35:00.001-07:00

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

2011-05-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

Post #183:

Waves of nostalgy filled me as I thought of the times we spent together, as I sat on the place we used to chat together and as I retraced the steps we used to take together. I always imagined just the two of us, perhaps sitting on the beach watching the waves crash on the shore, or just lying down on the grassy field stargazing at the dark night sky, reminiscing on the thick and thin we've been through. We'd laugh at the times when we were so silly, celebrate the times where we triumphed over the darkness that nearly engulfed us, and just treasure the times where we had one another by our side.

I missed that, and I missed all those amazing times. Above all, I missed you. So much so that I'd probably give anything to relive those times, to set life on a replay button and experience the wonderful feelings you have gave me. I don't want it to end, I never wanted to leave. Do you know how sadness would fill my heart everytime I would say goodbye because I never want to stop being in your presence and I never want to stop talking to you and sharing my heart. I'd love to cling on to you just to spend more time with you.

But over time, things changed. Everything changes hurh, good times can never last I suppose. I know that it wasn't mutual, that my feelings were not reciprocated, and it hurts. Everytime you do (or rather don't do) something, I'd realize the hard truth: "If you really liked me the way I like you, you would do the exact opposite" Maybe I think too much (fine I know I do), but I can't help but think and wonder what you think about me, how you treat me and what I am to you exactly.

I know the answer - or so I think I do. But I don't like that answer, and a part of me just wants to hang on to the glimmer of hope that perhaps what I'm thinking is wrong. Maybe you think a different way but don't show it the way I expect it? I wish. And so, a part of me wants to just hate you for that but another part of me wants to keep going on. I was torn, confused and insecure.

So I decided enough was enough. I decided that it'd be better if I stop clinging on to you, and I wished you'd experience life without me, realize how much it sucks and then stop taking me for granted. I wish you'd understand how much I've been doing for you, and how nice a person I am to you, but how can one fully feel the impact of the value of someone until he is gone? So I wanted to walk away, but as I walk away, I made sure that my steps were slow because I wanted to give you a chance to come running back after me.

As I trodded along the path back, I kept looking back to see if you would at least walk up to me, tap me on the back and invite me back. But as I turned back, I saw how you were doing so well without me and how life was great, if not even greater, when I was not there. I wished you needed me to be there for you, but I finally understood, you never needed me. It was I who always needed you.

Like you said, all my relationships are so complicated. And yea, perhaps I really do think too much, but just for once, I wished things between us were simply... simple again.

2011-05-05T05:51:00.000-07:00

Post #182:

Haha today was an interesting day. Hahaha AHHH so much work to do!! Don't know if I can finish.

Someone LIED terribly today :( So yea, it broke my fragile little heart and here I am on my blog emoing about it. (i hope you are seeing this) -slits wrists- :( :(

Anyway, yesterday my family went to Fukuichi for my parents' anniversary. Then THE MANAGER RECOGNIZED ME OMG. NOW THEN RECOGNIZE! AND SHE TOLD MY PARENTS I WAS HERE W A FRIEND... AHHHHH embarassing much. Then my parents keep asking a lot of weird questions, asked the manager "boyfriend or girlfriend?" Lucky the manager just say "i can't say why don't you ask him(me)?" I'm like -blush- -runaway- -hides face- (haha if you don't know what i'm talking about, it's ok, don't need to know.)

Today after school was quite funny. I was w Jean and Shuen then we were doing some Physics.

Shuen: Ehh, even he (referring to Jean) also do like that.

Jean: O.O SHE!

Shuen: HAHA WHOOPS!

Damn epic lol! Hahaha ok time to start on some work? My PW group is discussing stuff online at 10pm, looks like today is going to be a late night. Time to start, maybe I'll come back and edit this blogpost later.

2011-05-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

Post #181:

haha this was a message i shared this aftnoon, thought it'd be nice to put it on my blog xD

Read Luke 15:11-32 (The Parable of the Prodigal Son)

Many of us would be familiar with this parable, it shows how amazing God's love is to accept us even though we may have gone astray; that when we take one step towards God, He will take a thousand steps towards us; that when we return to God, the heavens and angels celebrate...etc. Sure, while all these are true, it's really relevant to us when we've gone astray, when we have like the prodigal son squandered away all our money and we want to return to God. But many of us are in a sense not that "astray", we have received God's love and salvation and we are walking with God each day. In a sense, we aren't that "prodigal" anymore.

Let's analyze closely v25-32. In the previous two parables, the parable of the lost sheep and the parable of the lost coin, it talks nothing about the sheep nor the coins that was not lost. Without v25-32, the parable would still be "complete", the lost is found and everyone celebrates! Then what's the point of talking about the elder brother?

Today God wants to warn us on the attitudes that we must not have as an elder brother. As we have new believers joining us, they are our "younger brothers" who was lost and now is found, so we are the "elder brothers" to them. And v25-32 is a good example of how we should not be as an elder brother.

v28: The older brother became angry and refused to go in...

v29: ... "Look, all these years I have been slaving for you..."

When I read this part, my first impression was that it is reasonable for the older brother to be angry. After all, it did seem a bit unfair, doesn't it? But let us look at why the older brother was angry, because all these years he has been SLAVING for the father. That really struck me, the older brother treats his sonship as slavery.

But seriously, is doing all these slavery? In fact, it's the better life! Compared to living in sin (the circumstance metaphorized by not even being able to eat pig food), how great it is to live with God! It is the better choice, the better life to serve God, but let's examine our actions: have we been treating it as if we're slaving for Him? Do we find planning TGIF, or anchoring some sessions or preparing worship an act of slavery?

v30: But when this son of yours have squandered...

I'm not sure if you noticed something really weird about what the elder brother said. If you are complaining about your sister, do you tell your father: "Dad, this daughter of yours..."? No, you'd refer to her as "my sister", unless you have detached your relationship with her. And that's exactly what the elder brother did, he doesn't even treat the younger brother as his younger brother, as part of the family!

Perhaps I watched too much dramas, but can you just imagine that the younger brother was listening in the conversation? Maybe when the elder brother saw the younger brother listening, then the younger brother will run away with tears in his eyes and the father will give that disappointed look and shout out for the younger brother while the older brother folds his arms. (can you picture that?)

Well, likewise if we as the new believers' spiritual family do not love and show concern for them and treat them with the attitude that they are apart from us, will we not chase them away too? Will they not run away from God's family too?

So, today let's make it a point to be the reverse of what this negative model of the elder brother is. Instead let us be grateful that we have been enjoying the better life with God all these while, and let us celebrate together that these new believers were lost and now is found! And the best way to show it is to consolidate them through... iCARE! (appln of Ps Tai Tong's message)

Let us be one loving community, to each other and especially so to the new believers!

2011-04-30T08:11:00.001-07:00

Post #180:

Today was a rather memorable day (hahaha memorable is a word that I taught the P5 kids). Ok I shall briefly describe my day, I shan't go too much in detail cuz I still need to do some stuff before I go sleep, so just a quick blogpost for today!

So let's start all the way in front.

8:00 am - Breakfast at Macs with my little brother.

Haha the funny part was how I didn't recognize my didi when I entered Macs lol whoops. But oh well, what's there more to say about breakfast?

8:40 am - TYA Volunteering

I think the kids like me quite a lot - after all I'm such a nice korkor to them right! Anyway, the kid asked me if I was married -.- seriously, do i look that old? hmmm... must be my maturity! xD Hahaha then they asked if I had a girlfriend, lol, but nope unfortunately I don't have one. It was quite fun teaching them, but I guess you have to learn to be really patient, especially when they don't listen to you all the time. Laugh it off and keep a smile on your face all the time for the children.

12:20 pm - Lunch at Shabu Shi

Haha the first time I ate there, although tbh I expected a bit more quality food. Oh wells, I guess I have high expectations for Jap food, esp when I ate very nice Jap food before. Haha but like I always say, it's not so much about the food you eat, but what matters more is the people you eat it with... And eating lunch with my didi is rather awesome!!

2:00 pm - Studying in the Library

Lol, I think I was more of a public nuisance in the library hahaha disturbing the peace around there. Whoops, anyway I finally got past my procrastination and returned my library books! Yay! I did get to practice a bit of my maths though by helping my didi out. It's always good to help others, because by helping others, you actually help yourself more than you know it. Kindaf realized how I'm not really good at things and am losing my grip on a lot of academic subjects so I better start studying soon hurh. Really need to buck up on my studies if I want to maintain my reputation.

3:30 pm - Bye!

Haha ok I managed to camwhore a bit with my didi before I left. (: Haha BUT I shall not post on my blog so that you guys can slowly guess who my younger brother is... xD

5:30 pm - Cell group

Hmmm. the cell group was a little bit blehh considering that there were only 4 pple at 2 of the girls were really late. Oh well I think it's good erm fellowship time with cell mates you know. Hahhaa Rachel keeps talking abt Lianne/.../etc, wonder why she keeps teasing me haha. Ji sui le?

7:30 pm - Church service

I think Ps Tai Tong's message really really spoke to me. Even today I was thinking about how to do consolidation because I never really showed my "Christian"-side to the people I'm supposed to help consolidate, so to break out of my reputation and the side that I show to them is really weird and uncomfortable at the same time. So I usually try to run away, hopefully run away from that awkwardness everytime I see them. But I think God was speaking to me thru the message today, that Jesus asked Peter: "Do you love me?" And if our answer to that should be yes, then the application that Jesus gives is: "Feed my sheep." If we truly love Jesus, then let us follow his command that follows, to consolidate the people to maturity so that they will bear fruits that will last.

i: intercession

C: Concern

A: Availability

R: Relationship

E: Equipping

Consolidation, just like evangelism, is a spiritual thing. We need to engage in the supernatural and tap in with faith, prayer and intercession so that the devil will have no power over these lives, for Jesus is stronger! Jesus, empower me to go forth to do Your will. Not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of God!

2011-04-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

Post #179:

Would you rather be blind, or would you rather open your eyes to see the things you never wanted to see? Would you rather be dumb, or would you rather know the things you never wanted to know? Would you rather be so caught up in your own world, perhaps your world of delusion, or would you rather wake up to face the hard realities you never wanted to face? Maybe the answer is obvious, but sometimes I just want to live in my own world, away from the harshness and the cruel reality.

Life for me is like on a repeat button. It's all coming back to me now, again. Sure, there are some parts of this movie you so want to experience again, where it's like emotional euphoria; some parts in which you love and you will give almost everything for it, but yet there are some parts in this movie which are so dark, so full of dread and despair that you are consumed by the moment, that all you can think about is that you want to get out as fast as possible and you're crying out for rescue but nobody is answering your call.

And while I've been through this before, and I emerged stronger, I never wanted to come back to this stage. I'm grateful that I've been refined by those cruel crashing waves in the past and wash away the dirt to refine the gem within me, but I never wanted to experience those waves crashing down on me once more. And to think that here I am, once more, at the nadir staring at me and giving that evil grin, as if it's to say "Welcome back."

I'm crying once more, no I really am crying as I write this post. And yet I don't even know why exactly! I barely know myself, I can barely control myself, I'm being drained of my energy from the inside out.

It hasn't always been this way, I remember brighter days, before the dark ones came, stole my mind and wrapped my soul in chains. Now I live among the dead, fighting voices in my head, hoping someone hears me crying in the night, and carries me away.

Morning breaks another day, finds me crying in the rain. All alone with my demons I am. Who is this man that comes my way? The dark ones shriek, they scream His name! Is this the One they say will set the captives free? Jesus, rescue me!

Please?

It's a slow fade. Slowly, but surely. Do you even notice it? Why won't you stop it before it's too late?

2011-04-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

Post #178:

I love this song, haha, there are some really awesome singers that should definitely have longer parts, while there are some just normal average singers which shouldn't be featured in the video.

Firstly, why is Justin Bieber at the start? Well, I can't blame them, I guess many crazy girls would start donating because they put him at the front haha. It's all for the money.

Anyway, here are the people who, if I was director, should stay in the video because they have very unique and awesome voices:

Jennifer Hudson

Josh Groban

Michael Jackson (but they coup this from the original We are the World video)

Wyclef Jean (JEEAAAANNNNNN! Haha ok nvm his vibrato at 3:15 is amazing, oh and don't you just love his part at 6:30 or at 7:01?)

Celine Dion (have been a huge fan of hers since young, very powerful voice)

Woah, that's quite little. I think the original one has a few very good performers, like Lionel Richie, Kenny Rogers all with very nice voices. One thing I don't like about the Haiti version is the rap or the autotuned voices, it's so... urgh. What a lousy ending to it, what's that guy saying? "Autotune... autotune?"

Oh, look two of my favourite singers singing a duet. How beautiful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhxIjRO6WjI

2011-04-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Post #177:

I've been feeling down, de-spirited and discouraged lately. I really don't know what's wrong with me, I really need help. If I do have real friends out there, I know that they will help me pull through, and will be there for me in the thick or thin. But then again, I've got to learn to stand on my own two feet. I've got to learn to count on myself, to be independent, to just find the strength and move on.

Because, seriously, who cares? Who the hell would care about your troubles? Hmph, who are you kidding - you think people are really concerned about you? More often than not, everyone's always working towards their own good, they help you in hope of getting something in return.

Maybe there's a rare few who actually care. I sure do hope so, and I sure do hope they'd come extend out their hands towards me. Because it's a sad, cruel and lonely world out there, and I'm a lone ranger. Deal with it.

2011-04-18T01:46:00.000-07:00

Post #176:

There is great power in surrendering your life to Jesus.

Just as my child brings his broken toys with tears for me to mend, I took my broken dreams to God because He was my Friend. But then . . . instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried, "How could You be so slow?"

"What could I do, My child?" He said. "You never did let go."

As I watched Letters to God and watched the short scene where Maddy got angry with God (watch below @ 0:40-0:48)...

... I just couldn't help but be able to sometimes identify with how Maddy is feeling. We are so caught up in wanting things to be done our way, we want to satisfy our human desires and sometimes we just don't agree with God's will, and we just want to go our way.

But that's exactly what made our dreams and our lives broken! And now we come back to God, asking Him to fix our lives. And this really spoke to me: "What could I do, My child?" He said. "You never did let go."

We think we know what's best for ourselves, but you know what, we don't. God does, and while we may not understand what God is doing right now, trust that He loves you too much to not want the best for you, and that at the end of the day, we can claim the promise in Rom 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Think about it: God loves you so much that He died on the cross for your sins, how much more will he not give us every good and beneficial gifts?

The secret of life is in really letting go.

Jesus died for me:

Grace & Mercy flowing freely from the throne
As I sleep, He sings to me in a gentle tone
He is my father, the greatest King that I know
And I thank Him for His love

My Salvation and my King who deserve my praise
The God Almighty who loves me and did not hide His face
He walked the road, and He carried my cross
He laid His life, and He died to save the lost

He had no beauty, or majesty
A man of sorrow and familiar with suffering
God struck His son, for me, for me
What have I done to deserve love like this?

A son of God, my guilty offering
Nailed to the cross and stripped for all to see
God crushed His son, for me, for me
Though no deceit was found in His mouth,

This righteous man died on the cross to set me free
Jesus Christ died on the cross died on the cross to set me free

2011-04-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

Post #175:

AHHHHH ENOUGH! I can't stand this anymore. For how many times have I told myself that I would stop, but yet I keep going back again and again and again. How many times must I hate myself before I finally learn my lesson? I don't understand myself at all, why do I have such a natural tendency to start gravitating back to the things that I know does not benefit me, and that I know I will regret in the end? I must get more control over myself and start exercising a bit more self-discipline! Haiz I guess I'm a very weak person. Oh I cried a bit today, it has been such a long time since I teared.

I said this once, ok fine much more than once, and I'm saying it again. How I long for the past, how I long to return back to how I was. I don't like my current self, I really wish I didn't change to be like this. GOD PLEASE CHANGE ME BACK!!!

Sometimes, I just want to stop doing things by my own strength. Please, who am I kidding? What the hell can I do? As I "matured", I've lost my innocence, my purity, and perhaps some of my innocent faith. Then I don't want to mature, I want to believe God for every single thing in my life, no matter how impossible. I want to count on God's strength from now to get me out of this valley - I don't want to stay here anymore!!

I've exhausted all my solutions and I am hungry. Not hungry for physical food (actually yes I am, and I'm snacking now - so not good for my NAPFA tmrw), but more hungry for emotional and spiritual food. I am emptied out, broken and weary, and I am empty-handed.

And so I want to come to the foot of the cross, where the divine exchange takes place. Where I receive God's love in place of the void in my heart, where God's arms are open wide for me to embrace and His touch restores my life.

And as I thirst, I know He satisfies my desires.

Let's think about the great measure of our Father's love, freely poured out for us. And so I want to participate in this divine exchange. Lord, I surrender myself, that I no longer live but I invite you to live in me. I offer this broken life for You to use as your hands and feet to where You have called me to. I want to be filled with Thy love even more!

Speaking about love, oh, I came across a very interesting question too: If you could only save one person, would you save the person who you don't love but loves you, or the person whom you love but doesn't love you back? Something that you would like to think about.

For me, I realized that somehow, when I love someone and that person doesn't love me back, it hurts so much that I numb myself towards the person. And I force myself to stop liking the person so much, so that I won't be so hurt by that unreciprocativeness of the relationship. It's amazing, I can actually force myself to stop liking a person so much, you know it's funny to say this, but I went on -fasts before.

That is, I purposely don't initiate any conversation with that person for a week (or perhaps more) and I force myself not to think of that person. And so far, it worked. Seems heartless? But then again, it hurts me more than you'd ever know for me to torture myself daily to stop thinking about the person, especially when my mind naturally gravitates to thinking about these people.

Anyway, if you are on a sinking boat, and you know that there's probably no hope of repairing it, you've got to jump out sooner or later. Staying on it will just be a waste of your energy and resources, so you've got to learn to let go. One thing I've learnt - is that the secret of life is in letting go. Oh and the secret of love is in letting it show.

At the end of the day, holding on will make me feel like a burden to that person. I mean, while I treat that person well, he may feel this urge to reciprocate (being a nice person and all), but yet he doesn't want to reciprocate because he doesn't like me. So it's in loving action that I do let go, and of course let him be free to do what he likes without me bothering him. In the end, I don't want to be seen as irritating, intrusive or annoying to that person right?

Well, such a philosophy is good and bad. I mean, it's good in the sense that if that person really doesn't like me, he'd be much happier without me hurh. But bad in the sense that if that person does like me, or maybe likes me in the end... By then, I would have numbed myself to that person, and I feel so cold, so indifferent, so apathetic. Perhaps it did happen, someone suddenly said on MSN: "im sorry for how bad ive been to you!!! please forgive me T-T", but I couldn't help but feel that I didn't care anymore. I used to care a lot, in fact, I cared so much I'd cry because of it, but after I forced myself not to, I can't help but feel detatched from it...

So what's my answer to the question exactly? I'd save the non-Christian so that he/she can accept Christ. God's love is for everyone to be saved.

2011-04-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Post #174:

Building Sandcastles

Jerald loved the beach. He loved feeling his feet sink in the golden sand, he loved watching the orange sun rise above the horizon each dawn, he loved watching the rays from the glorious sun turn the vast ocean a nice blue-green glitter, he loved collecting the seashells of different shapes and colours but more than anything, he simply loved building sand castles. He was so fond of beaches that he had learnt all there was to know about every beach he visited, and he would share with everyone about his fascination of the beach.

He would rattle on about the species of starfishes or the type of sand or even the boring details of how longshore drift transports particles along the beach in a zig-zag fashion. Personally, I find his stories interesting, and as I was the only who thought so, I became his best friend.

“Joseph, let’s go to the beach to build sandcastles!” Jerald lilted.

“Again?” I sighed.

“Well, I suppose we can miss going to the beach one day…” A sense of relief came over me. Until he continued, “I mean, I will understand if you don’t want to build another sand castle with me.” Jerald stared at his hand giving a sad pitiful look.

I sighed again. “Alright, let’s go to the beach.” Upon hearing those words, Jerald beamed with radiance.

“Race you there!” Jerald shouted and dashed off excitedly.

I started chasing him and we ran along the beach. I was a faster runner, so I caught up with him and when I finally got hold of him, we just laid down on the sand, panting heavily, watching the waves crash against one another.

“What a beautiful scene,” I admired the vast sea stretching beyond the blue horizon, reminding me of how vast our brotherly love for one another is.

“I’ve always dreamed of building a sandcastle-making machine that will automatically build as many sandcastles as I want. All I need to do is submit my design for a sandcastle and it can build it for me. Wouldn’t that be great, Joseph?” Jerald looked at me with a glint in his eyes. He knew I was a genius engineer who could probably build that kind of machine, but it would mean sacrificing all my free time.

“What are you suggesting?” I asked gently, already knowing the answer.

“Well…” Jerald paused. “I mean, we have been best friends for so long, and… best friends help one another fulfill their dreams right?”

I couldn’t disagree. That was what I believed in and kept telling him, that best friends will always be there to help fulfill each other’s dreams. Reluctantly, I agreed to help him build such a sandcastle-building machine. It wasn’t impossible; after all, I had built machines before that could assemble computer chips, what would be so difficult about this project? I assured him I’d devote my next few weeks to building it. My prediction was off by a few months.

For the next few months, this project became my life. My work-desk became littered with scattered sheets of paper: research about different types of sand, physics concepts, formulae and calculations about sandcastle structure, and intricate blueprints of the switches, wires and. Like a mad scientist, I was conversing with myself while pacing up and down the room. Even my parents started complaining about how this project was eating away at my sanity.

Indeed, the mind-boggling complexity of such a machine was probably too much for Einstein’s brain, how much more for a small one like mine? But I held on to the hope that when I finally complete this contraption, it would fulfil Jerald’s dream and bring us closer together in our relationship.

After what seemed like eternity of metal parts and infinitely long wires, the moment had finally arrived. Immediately, I called Jerald up and asked to meet on the beach. He excitedly rushed over to admire my new invention.

“So, this will help me build any sandcastle I want?” Jerald questioned doubtfully. “Alright. Let’s try it out, I’ve got a design of this sandcastle that’s a model of the great Prague Castle in Czech Republic.”

With trembling hands, Jerald inserted his thumb drive into the monstrous machine and pressed a big red button. A hum and a whir followed. Then, the machine’s arm began drumming on the sand, making a shrill clatter. As a testament to my invention’s prowess, it was silent once more in a minute’s time.

The sandcastle was a perfect replica of the Prague Castle, right down to the brick shape, and it was definitely the most beautiful sandcastle I had ever seen. I beamed, happy that my hard work finally paid off.

“What a great sandcastle!” I exclaimed. But Jerald ignored me and was too busy creating his new design for his next sandcastle. I could understand his excitement; it was an ingenious invention.

So I sat down and waited, and even when the sun had set he was still creating new designs of sandcastles, sand-mermaids and much more. Out of concern, I asked if he was exhausted, but he simply shook his hand dismissively. Having to report back to work the next day, I walked away, hoping that Jerald would chase after me. But after a few hundred meters, I glanced back and realized that Jerald was wholly absorbed in sandcastles, oblivious to my departure. My footsteps were heavy, as I trudged back with only the company of my tears.

The next few weeks, I tried to reach Jerald but he was either too busy at work or building sandcastles. Ever since he got his hands on that damned invention of mine, he never spent time with me. He never asked me to build another sandcastle with him; he barely even talked to me anymore. “building sandcastles” was everything to him, but I kept holding on to a small glimmer of hope, hoping that one day he would build a sandcastle with me. Time spent without him was really torture; there was nobody else I could pour my heart out to.

One day, when the pain became unbearable, I decided to set things straight and headed down to the beach to talk to Jerald.

“Hello Jerald.” I started.

He did not even acknowledge my presence. Frustrated and at my wit’s end, I flicked the power switch.

My heart leapt when he turned his head. But when our eyes met, the burning rage in his gaze froze my entire torso.

“Why did you do that? Are you stupid? Retarded? Get lost! Get out of my life!” He screamed and turned on the machine again. My heart was exploding, but I knew he had shut his heart against me. My best friend, the friend that I trusted and sacrificed so much for, would desert me once I was of no use to him? I felt betrayed and confused, wasn’t Jerald supposed to be my true friend forever? What are ‘friends’? Is it possible for me to ever have a true friend?

The sun sank below the horizon as I trudged along the beach alone. My cold chill touched my heavy heart as I passed by a sandcastle similar to the one we had built before. With all my might, I kicked it and the sandcastle crumbled. Our friendship was made of sand too; so difficult to build, yet so easy to destroy. Oh God, give me strength to resist building another sandcastle of friendship ever again…

2011-04-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

Post #173:

“The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” Matt 9:37-38, NIV

What does this verse mean? This verse implies that the Law of Diminishing Returns is far from setting in - it means that if any of us opt not to be a worker, the loss of harvest is more than proportionate! But then again, it's not about the harvest, it's not about the numbers, that does not matter: it's about the people.

Do you believe that what the Bible says is true? If you really do, then did you know the Bible says that Jesus is the ONLY way. That means that at the end of the day, many of your friends, the ones you are sitting beside and looking at each day, may not end up in Heaven with you. And if you can keep that thought in your head without feeling the urgency to reach out to them, then either you really have no heart, or the Bible is not really real to you.

Let us be desperate to see our friends saved, let us go with an attitude of "I don't care, whatever I need to do, I want to see my friend in heaven for eternity." If you go with that attitude, then you will be an effective worker for Jesus. Won't you tell the Lord today:

Lord, I want to stand in the gap.

2011-04-08T02:12:00.000-07:00

Post #172:

Wow I haven't posted in such a loooong time. So it's time to do my blog some justice and start on my new post. It has been 4 months since the year started, and I guess it's time to reflect on my JC life.

Academically, I've been slightly lagging behind in my tutorials (but everyone thinks I'm so smart that I don't need to do any tutorial - how wrong they are!) and I think it's time to start being productive, especially in my academics. I have goals and I want to achieve them - but I never get motivated enough to do it.

I've not been productive lately, always doing absolute nothing at all with my time. Perhaps now, I've reached the nadir of unproductivity that I can't wait to try to get out of it! I realized also that somehow, I get motivated to do something when I'm helping others. Amazingly, that has how I've been surviving most of my secondary school life - I gain from helping others. When I help others in Physics, I learn and master the subject I teach as well. When I help others improve their assignments, I hone my skills on critical thinking for my own assignments as well.

Take today for example, I went to go photocopy some past year papers. To be honest, I never thought I would have the patience to stay in that photocopy room for an hour or so just waiting for the lousy photocopy machine button to turn green each time I flip a page of the past year CTs book. But then I did stay there dutifully photocopying, because I knew that I was helping my friend photocopy as well. In a sense, I may be somewhat altruistic, but helping others help me too, and it helps you gain good friends as well!

Talking about friends, hmmm, well relationships with my class hasn't exactly been what I planned it to be. Nonetheless, I have made some rather good friends in class (not sure if they think I'm a good friend back but...) and well, they (or at least most of them) are nice people. I may not be the most well-liked person, nor the most admired or respected person in the class.

But it's alright, because I know that even if a thousand people are against me, God is still by my side.

Oh, I came across a rather funny (and it helps improve your GP/vocab somewhat) analysis of "Friday". Enjoy!

Underneath its bubbly. faux-happy surface is a seething cauldron of existential dread and despair. You've all missed the forest for the trees, and while you've been busy mocking it you've missed its brilliance. So let me take you through the video step by step and maybe at least a couple of you will begin to see.

Remember that these are just my own observations. after only a few viewings: this video is so multi-layered that unraveling its symbolism and meaning would take years of careful examination

We open with a production card and some building synths. As the music continues. we see a sort of calendar with flipping pages. Before we get to the lyrics. there's a couple things in this sequence worth pointing out. because they set the tone for the rest of the video and establish its overarching motifs.
Firstly. Black appears here as a hideous moving drawing on the pages. moaning "yeah. yeah" in robotic. auto-tuned cadence. This startling image of the singer — and her voice -- both lie snugly in the very nadir of the uncanny valley. Ostensibly we are looking at a human. but it isn't close enough to what we recognize as human to inspire anything other than revulsion.

I think the director was trying to create a vision of the ''hyperreal" here. Like a sports drink with a flavor such as "blue mountain ice berry" that doesn't exist in nature. Black is a simulacra of something that never existed in the first place. Like so many American teens. she is attempting to live up to an ideal that's impossible to attain — outwardly succeeding in many respects. but never achieving self-actualization in any meaningful way. always feeling like an imposter. mired in a cycle of materialism and futile competition that serves no purpose She doesn't feel "rear and so in these opening frames she is presented as just that: an unreal monster. a horrible. ugly outside creation.

The artificiality of the music itself plays into this theme as well — I don't think there's a single
II real instrument in the entire song

Secondly on the pages of the calendar we see some words that we are supposed to assume Black wrote there. On the page for Thursday, she has written "I am Thursday's Child. :(" This is a very clever reference to a nursery rhyme that ascribes personality traits to people born on certain days of the week. The line for Thursday reads, 'Thursdays child has far to go."

There are multiple things going on here. As a young girl Black has far to go before reaching adulthood and the (largely mythical) freedoms she ascribes to it. She also has 'far to go' before she can accept herself for who she is.

She has 'far to go` before she can be the person everyone around her expects her to be -- very. very far -- and she will never get there. These are the main conflicts that are present throughout the song.

Finally, the lyrics start. The monstrous drawing of Black gives way to the flesh-and-blood Black, just waking up with her alarm clock. Her eyes snap open and she starts out of bed instantly, almost mechanically.

>7 AM waking up in the morning >Gotta be fresh gotta go downstairs 'Gotta have my bowl
>Gotta ha. e cereal
Gotta She has no choice. She HAS to do these things As Black sings these lines, she gives a disdainful look to her alarm, obviously wishing she could sleep some more. but dutifully she throws her covers off (does this represent her urge to throw off the comforting but ultimately cloying shackles of childhood? Perhaps.) and we cut to her standing downstairs, dressed and ready to go, where she finishes the verse.
In the downstairs section she stands stone-still. her facial features unmco,ing as she tells us that she must have a bowl of cereal. This is her routine- to break it would be a horrible transgression. And what exactly happens if she breaks her routine? Well. nothing -- but she doesn't know that and she's too terrified to find out. She wants freedom but she isn't strong enough to give it to herself

>Seeing everything
>The time is going. ticking on and on And everybody's rushing
Behind Black, her family goes through their own daily routine in fast-forward. No one has time anymore_ it seems to her, and by extension to the viewer. Everyone's day is firmly regimented planned out months in advance and there isn't any room to allow oneself a peaceful moment. For success we have traded in our very identities Black is disgusted with her family and more importantly with herself

>Gotta get down to the bus stop >Gotta catch my bus
More gottas. Again. Black has no choice in what she does with her time We cut to her at the bus stop where suddenly she notices something off-screen and gives a painfully faked smile: ei sea my inenda
Her smile isn't real. As the camera reveals her 'friends' pulling up in a late-model car neither are theirs She cannot stand these people. Like her they're imposters, trying to live up to some abstract version of what a perfect teenager should be. and she hates them for it. But on the other hand they are nothing less than a mirror into her own empty soul — all the more reason to despise them

>Kicking in the front seat >Sitting in the back seat >Gotta make my mind up >Which seat can I take'
A verse absolutely pregnant with meaning. It's gotten a lot of derision. and that's a shame because it's one of the great little moments in this song.

Black surmises the car. Her friends are motioning for her to join them. Why would she do that instead of taking the bus? It's obvious that her friends aren't going to school today. And as she looks at them she realizes that she has to make up her mind: will she continue the daily routine that has become her own personal prison, or will she break free. skip school and taste independence?

Which seat can she take? Will she sit in the back, a passive bystander to her own life? Or will she sit in the front — wrest control of her own destiny and decide for herself what she wants to do?

>It's Friday. Friday
>Gotta get down on Friday
We cut to Black in the car with her friends. But she's in the back After all that turmoil, she's still a slave to others, doing not what she wants, but what is suggested to her by her peers. She may have rebelled against the tyranny of schooling but she's still imprisoned and acting without will
"Gotta get down on Friday? Not 'wanna get down on Friday: or "gonna get down on Friday: or any of a number of lines that may have worked Its another -gotta? She is as much under the control of society as ever. In fact, her minor rebellion may itself be part of the act she's been putting on her whole life. What teenager doesn't skip school?

>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend
>Partying. partying. yeah! >Partying. partying. yeah! >Fun, fun. hin
>Looking forward to the weekend
Horrible. No one in the car is happy. They bob their heads and smile through gritted teeth as they lie about how much fun they're having, but they all look so desperate, so pained. They look OLD. like world-weary soldiers. Their refrains of 'yeahr are delivered with unenthusiastic fist pumps. the veil on their false joy wearing alarmingly thin.

Black chants 'fun, kin. fun' not like someone who is enjoying themselves but like a Nazi in a concentration camp. She is ordering herself to have fun, as if simply saying the words will make it so. But its not so. and she knows it This isn't fun. This is hell.

>7.45. we're driving on the highway >Crusing so fast,
>I want time to fly
12 hours have passed in an instant. We cut to Black in a completely different car. wearing a completely different outfit with a completely different group of people What happened in the interim? That's left to the viewer's imagination but there is some imagery here that strongly implies Black lost her virginity at some point in the time gap.

Firstly, all the people in her company are noticeably older than the original group of friends She is with adults now, not children This suggests that she too is an adult she has stepped into womanhood.
Secondly in the morning she was wearing a bright purple shirt. symbolic of youth and innocence. Now she wears all black, symbolic of impurity -- and mourning. She has lost her innocence- and she regrets it The car, too. has gone from white to black — pure to impure.

Whatever the case. it's clear Black has had quite the day. But still she sits in the back seat — through it all. she is still not in control.

Why does she vvant time to fly? Isn't she having 'fun. in fun'? Of course not This has been the worst day of her short life and she wants it to be over as soon as possible. This is probably the only time she directly betrays her true emotions in the entire song. Her self-loathing over giving up her virginity — and over myriad other things — bubbles to the surface in that fleeting instant before she tamps it all back down again and continues the pathetic charade of enjoying herself

,Fun fun >Think about fun

Again. ordering herself to have fun. This is reminiscent of lie back and think about England,' the advice given to Victorian-era brides on how to deal with being raped by their husbands. Was her loss of virginity willing? Or did she 'grin and bear it' as part of the ritual she felt she had to endure to cross the rubicon into adulthood?
Now that she has crossed that rubicon. and nothing has changed. she is deeply ashamed Yet still she lies to herself, still she pretends to be having fun.

,You know what it IS'
>I gat this. you got this >My friend is by my right >I gat this. you got this >Now you know it

She smiles, but her eyes tell a different story. They're pleading with you to understand her, her plight. She wants you to understand why she's done this. and to forgive her. But she really wants something else. She wants to forgive herself of what has happened today.
Maybe she never will.

>Kicking in the front seat >Sitting in the back seat 'Gotta make my mind up 'Which seat can I take?
We come full circle. She knows that to become a truly free agent she will have to disavow her false friends and live for herself Will she be able to take this step? Will she summon the courage to strike out on her own? Immediately she answers for herself: she hugs her two 'friends' closer. She isn't ready to be her own person yet Not even the loss of her innocence could imbue her with the courage to move forward. She will be a slave to others for the foreseeable future.

>It's Friday, Friday
'Gotta get down on Friday
'Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend
Black arrives at a party and waves to a boy about her age. He glances salaciously at her backside — perhaps this is the boy who took her virginity? The party is outdoors and it's pitch black except for the headlights from the cars there. Without her friends. without her peers Black would be in dark_ completely lost. The meaning is obvious.
Again, she's -gotta ° get down. The line has now acquired a disturbing sexual connotation given what has transpired, but its basic meaning is essentially the same.

-Friday Frets.
>Getting down an Friday
Watch closely here, this is around 1:50. Her smile completely drops for an instant as she says the second line. She hates herself

>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend
The boy from before walks up behind Black and makes an inappropriate sexually-charged grab at her. She swirls around in shock. but then fakes a smile at him. She cannot bring herself to admit how disgusting she finds him.

>Partying. partying yeah' >Partying. partying. yeah! >Fun, fun. fun
>Loolong forward to the weekend
Black walks backwards here. It's easy to read into that. She's not improving herself, but regressing. For all her bluster and pretending. she's worse off tonight than she was this morning. More of her false friends make unconvincing fist pumps. Once again, no one is happy.

'Yesterday was Thursday. Thursday 'Today it is Friday, Friday
We see Black again as the drawing-monster from the beginning. She recites the progression of the days of the week.

Yesterday was Thursday, today is Friday. This transformation and these lyrics validate the suggestion that her rebellions today have been nothing more than yet another piece in the larger act she's been putting on. of being the perfect teenager. The days of the week are set in stone. they always come in the same order. And Black's rebelliousness was equally predictable. It wasn't spontaneous at all.

>We, we, we so excited
'We so excited
'We gonna have a ball today
Black talks in broken English, but it's just an affectation, like everything she's done today. Talking like a stereotypical 'urban" (read: black) person is supposed to be °edgy " for this young white suburban girl, but it's not edgy if everyone in her peer group is doing it. just fired and cliched She's no bohemian or free-thinker or even common punk. she's a mindless drone doing what all the others do.

>Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
The predictability of her actions are again hammered home as Black is shown directly turning from the moving drawing into her real life counterpart. The drawing-monster and Black are the same entity: a horrendous, unreal abomination, revolting yet pitiable.
.dorit want this weekend to end
But she does. She trembles with this lie and has to say it with an open-mouthed gape, as if forcing it out of herself.

How long can she go on like this before she cracks?

>RB Rebecca Black
>So chillin' in the front side
A grown man begins to rap. cutting into Rebecca's lyrics (symbolizing her powerlessness?) He calls her by name, then looks down at his crotch as he says the second line. More sexual connotations abound. Has this adult man victimized the young Black?

>In the backseat ›I'm drrving cruising
These lines have caused confusion. but it makes sense if you consider 'So chillin' in the front side, in the backseat' to refer to Black. and -I'm driving, cruising' as referring to himself. He's having sex with her (Black is 'so chillin' in the front sides ie being penetrated). but largely against her will (she is still in the back seat) Rather.

HE is the one in control — HE is in the front seat. driving 'Cruising" here takes on its sexual meaning as well as its more literal one -- he is cruising for underaged girls to abuse

>Fast lanes. sratching lanes >With a car on my side
>Passing by is a school bus >In front of me
>Makes me tick tack. tick lock >VVanna scream
Chilling. This man is a pedophile and the children aboard the school bus arouse him. But let's look closer. The fact that they're on a school bus is very meaningful indeed. Because if Black had followed her usual routine and gone to school, had failed to rebel — she may still have not escaped the fate that befell her tonight. Eventually she would have been sullied by the horrors of the adult world. For her, there is no escape, and there can never be

'Check my time. it's Friday
>It's a weekend
'We gonna have fun 'Come on. come on
The man looks in the rearview mirror but the position of the camera makes it appear as if he's looking directly at the viewer. And he says we gonna have fun: not "I'm gonna have fun.' This is an accusation, a recrimination. We are all complicit in the crimes this man commits. By forcing the image of perfection upon young girls. by sexualizing them, by turning a blind eye to their cries for help. WE are responsible for the -fun' this man has. We are no better than him.

>It's Friday. Friday
>Gotta get down on Friday
>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend weekend >Friday. Friday
>Getting down an Friday
>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend

We cut back to Black performing in front of a large crowd. This is really what she's been doing her entire life. of course: performing. None of them seem that interested even as she sways and smiles and shouts about how great everything is What's more. we continually see cuts to Black standing alone in a bizarre darkened room full of strange glowing smoke. where she moans in protest — at one point (around 2:55) yelling out "n00000" as the Black performing in front of an audience announces that everyone is looking forward to the weekend.

This is Black's inner dialogue_ and likely it's been going on for the entirety of the day — this is just our glimpse at it. Outwardly_ she's happy and ebullient but in her mind she's shouting out in horrible pain trapped in a fevered hellscape of her own creation

>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend >Partying. partying. yeah!
>Partying. partying. yeah!
>Fun. fun. km
>Looking forward to the weekend
>It's Friday. Friday
>Gotta get down an Friday
>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend. weekend >Friday, Friday
>Getting down on Friday
'Everybody's looking forward to the weekend
As the song draws to a close, we cut back and forth like this — the projection Black gives of herself and the torment within. Finally her inner self isn't even attempting to speak intelligibly. instead just yelling as loud as she can.

eyes wrenched closed. fists balled up. But in the real world she forges on singing and dancing for the crowd_ and the pedophile from before looks on approvingly his prey's spirit fully broken.

And when she stops singing, she looks down at everyone before her embarrassed, disgusted_ kill of nothing but despair.

Now that her performance is done. the crowd will disperse and forget about her and for everything she's endured she will have gained nothing. She has literally become the -poor player that struts and frets her hour upon the stage.'

She has realized that her life is a futile mockery of real happiness a hollow. meaningless simulation.
As Black's day draws to a close, she has stared into the abyss -- and the abyss has stared back.

2011-01-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

Post #171:

I'm really touched.

You know in all the mist and fog and hurt of things, I've been touched. By very special people, whom I really never thought would be the one that touched my heart.

So I just wanted to say: THANK YOU so much for your care and concern.

This is the first time in a long while that I feel empowered to give strength to others. Unfortunately, lately and not so lately I have only been a selfish being indifferent and apathetic to the world around me.

it was hard, with whatever failures, and slowly i began to withdraw myself. and its been long since i actually told someone such personal things.

I don't understand. Yea but I try to, at least? Even if I really don't and can never understand, I pray you'll have the strength to pull through, I pray your feelings are reciprocated, I pray to a god I've never prayed to before. Have that strength to bring back the relationship and have that strength to pull you through even if it fails.

I think, I am regaining my confidence in friendships and it could be because of you even though I can't say for sure. (might have been because of icyl as well)So don't put yourself down so badly because you have just touched the life of another.

May you have strength.

Da ge!! :DD Hehe well IDK if you'll check lj (since you don't use and just created ) but anyway it's been really fun talking to you at night haha :D I honestly really do think you're really pro and awesome, given all that you've accomplished in sec school heh. Not gonna feed your ego though :P

Whatever you're dealing with right now, don't ever lose faith okay? There is hope even if things might seem impossible to right again, although you might not see it. So don't fret too much, kay? (:

A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.
~Cinderella

sillynyn <3

2010-12-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

Post #170:

Here and now

My heart aches. It aches terribly, sadness and regret floods my heart. And sometimes, I can't help but ask WHY? Why is this happening? What can I do? Where is God? When will He come?

And even as I listen to this song, I know that God is here, right here, right now. And all that I ever need, all that my searching heart has longed for can be found, 'cause God is here in this moment, here and now.

I know that God is in control. He is in control of every circumstance in our lives, everything that we cannot do, God can. For with God, nothing is impossible!

And I guess I just have perhaps, no choice, but to trust Him. Trust that God is leading me into His perfect plan, and that He is always in control. And if God can come down on Earth to die for our sins, how much more does He not love us enough to work for the best of us?

And even as I feel that God is so far away, perhaps this is a test from God. But whatever it is, right now, God is here. And let the presence of the Lord fill my heart once more, as I thirst and hunger for the floodgates of heaven to open. How we need the river.

I need to be transformed.

I want to be productive, I want to be a good friend, I want to make a difference, I want to touch the lives of others. I want to be a sanctuary, a shelter for those who are lost and weary...

I want to serve again.

2010-12-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

Post #169:

Don't mind me blowing my own horn or anything, but I just wanted to list some achievements I had over the years. If I have any that I missed out, please do inform me! I shall not add lame stuff like New South Wales because I've got too many of those. And pretty much anyone and everyone can get Distinction or High Distinction.

Primary School:

Singapore Youth Festival (SYF) Bronze - 2002

Singapore Youth Festival (SYF) Silver - 2004

COLOURS (Service) Award - 2004

Best Improvement Award - 2004

Rosyth Games Day Table Tennis 2nd Position - 2005

Singapore Mathematical Olympiad for Primary School (SMOPS) Gold - 2005

SMOPS Platinum - 2006

Singapore Youth Festival (SYF) Silver - 2006

Rosyth Concert Band Asst Band Major - 2004-2006

Rosyth Concert Band Saxophone Section Leader - 2006 (forgot year that I started)

Rosyth AMEC Vice-chairman (i think) - 2006

Prefectorial Board - 2004-2006

Secondary School:

Singapore Mathematical Olympiad (Junior) Gold - 2007

Singapore Mathematical Olympiad (Junior) Silver - 2008

Australian Mathematical Competition Prize - 2008

MOE Lower-Secondary Programming Competition Silver - 2008

House Carnival (Badminton) 3rd Position - 2008

Singapore International Band Festival (SIBF) Silver - 2008

SYF Silver - 2009

Top in Level for Physics - 2009

Top in Level for Computer Elective Programme - 2009

Silver Award for RE Congress - 2009

SIBF Gold - 2010

CCA Service Award (RIMB) - 2010

CCA Merit Award (Infocomm Club) - 2010

EAGLES Award for Achievement, Good Leadership and Service - 2010

1st Prize in Torrance Legacy Creative Writing Competition - 2010

Merit Award for Greenwave Competition - 2010

Merit Award for National Software Competition (Algorithm) - 2010

Silver Award for National Olympiad in Informatics - 2010

Bronze Award for Asia-Pacific Informatics Olympiad - 2010

Singapore Junior Physics Olympiad Honourable Mention -2010

Top in Level for Physics (yet to receive award) - 2010

Top in Level for Computer Elective Programme (yet to receive award) - 2010

StrITWise 3rd Position - 2010

Bayley Extended EXCO - 2009

RIMB Saxes and Lower Woodwinds Section Leader - 2010

RIMB Band Major (CCAL) - 2010

Infocomm Club Vice-chairman (Programming) - 2010

RInformatics2010 Trainer - 2010 (lol just wanted to add this!)

Prefectorial Board - 2009-2010

Hmmm any I missed out?

Anyway, this got me really thinking on a few things.

1) Have I been taking things for granted?

I mean I am blessed with so much, I am blessed with good grades and good achievements. I am blessed with so much talent and such an amazing brain, am I wasting them away? For I have been moodless and unproductive, I need to get out of my depressive mood and learn to press on and persevere! I need to be more self-aware and have full mastery and control over my feelings, instead of letting my feelings control me and who I am. No, no more shall my feelings of boredom or loneliness or sadness flood my heart. I WILL RISE UP.

But I realized, to even get to such a height, I am truly blessed with so much support from the people around me who trusts me so much, am I letting all of them down? Am I treating them terribly? Have I been so selfish, or am I giving them back the respect and the gratitude that they so rightfully deserve. Perhaps they, deserve all these achievements, much more than I do.

2) Are all these even important?

From Vincent's SOL 2 class that I crashed, I've learnt that CS Lewis said: "The salvation of a single soul is more important than the production or preservation of all the epics and tragedies in the world." And surely, the production or perservation of all the epics and tragedies in the world is far greater than all my talent and achievements.

And so it set me thinking: Definitely, without doubt, the salvation of a single soul is more important than all these achievements put together. What is my priority? Am I working so hard for all these achievements that I am forgetting my Mission when in fact all these achievements should just come naturally as I long to glory God? What is the focus of my life?

2010-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Post #168:

The power of the Holy Spirit is so great.

Today, I went to our church's Teens IDOL Camp at Northbrooks Secondary School (Yishun there), not as a participant but as an invited testimony sharer. Well, one of the SOL2 sessions was about sharing personal testimony, and my testimony was supposed to be a "model" for the class (or a learning point). But while my five minutes of fame was at 1+, I arrived at 10:45 and attended the previous session that Vincent was doing. And I was greatly blessed by the "Evangelism" session.

The Holy Spirit was amongst us and during the prayer time, suddenly there was this guy who was just walking normally (back to his place I think), and then all of a sudden the Holy Spirit came on him and he just dropped and collapsed halfway while walking on the floor. He hit his head against the cupboard, and I quickly go pull him away from the cupboard.

I've heard of the power of the Holy Spirit during Encounter Camp and how people will just drop or start laughing uncontrollably (even the pastors) but I never really seen it myself. And I never expected it to happen in the SOL2 session but God does wonders!

But anyway during the next session, I went up to give testimony. Introduced myself, RI, 16 years old, baptised by Vincent 2 days ago (LOL), chairman of band, vice-chair of infocomm and prefect, and then I started giving my testimony speech (if I continued on they would be hungrier and blame me)

So then after my testimony speech, if you want to hear it I can tell you (:, Vincent asks for good points and area of improvements. And they were so nice, they barely dare say any area of improvements for me. Haha but then Vincent said I gave an A* testimony and that was great I suppose xD At the end of the session, Vincent also went up to me and told the class about my prayer-email and prayergroup since Sec 1, so I hope (or rather I think) that the class was pretty inspired. What a nice impression I gave!

But I guess one thing I've taken away from the whole session is the call of God, not as a pleasure boat but really as a life-saving boat. As Vincent shared about how his father had a dream about his mother being in a very dark oppressive place, I even sense that God is putting in my heart that vision for the lost. How badly do I want to bring them to God and eternal life?

Am I enjoying the pleasure boat?

2010-12-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Post #167:

Many a times in our lives we search for this beauty, but in this search we don't understand that in this world, it is really not a lack of beauty but a lack of discovery. Sometimes we take the best things around us for granted and we never really appreciate it until it has been stripped away from us. Perhaps it's our wealth, perhaps our grades, or perhaps it's our relationships.

Look at the people around you. As humans, we tend to like some people better than others: that's perfectly normal. And sometimes we focus on deepening our relationship with the people we like, that we fail to see the greatest friends around you may just be those whom you don't "like the best".

But so what? They are the real friends. They stand by you when you need them. And while you may not have a special feeling for them, while you may not long to deepen your relationship with them as much, have you been neglecting these real friends? I don't know about you, but as for me, I would rather a true friend than a fake friend that I just like.

Because these true friends are those who really care for you rather than for themselves, they put your interests in their heart and they are truly beautiful in heart. Perhaps in your world, it's not a lack of true friends, but a lack of discovery of them. And one day, as these friends get pushed aside once again, perhaps a loyal friend lost may be one of your biggest regrets. Or will it even bother you? Do you care enough?

The simplest act of treasuring someone and making them feel special can just be the river to a dry and barren heart, longing and thirsting for water. If you have felt that weariness lifted from your hearts before, then freely bless it upon to others as well. For this dog waits outside this jail cell for the master; this seed stays in dry ground thirsting for the rain to come - but only you would know the answer to the question I'm afraid of knowing the answer to: will it come?

A thousand stars shine in your night sky, and I am but just one in a million. Perhaps nothing special, but I try to shine as brightly as I can to light up your paths and to provide warmth during the cold stormy night. Will you notice me? Or will I just be part of the everyday scenery, being taken for granted and expected to shine for you. If I burn out, will you not still gaze into your telescope to look for other stars?

In the deep recesses of my mind I secretly desire for your night to be dark so you would notice my light. For who notices the lit candle when it is day? No, it is only appreciated when dusk befalls on the land. I want to shine for you, but I cannot shine any brighter with the desolate and bare core. Is it meant to be this way?

Give me strength to stand in this dry and weary land. Oh how we need the river, how we need the rain. I need this strength to shine, and this living water I cannot expect from you for you cannot provide. I must look up to the hills, fall on my knees and cry out for the Lord Almighty to shower down His glory and grace and may His Holy Presence fill my heart.

For freely I have received of His great love, freely I shall give. Where does my strength come from? My strength comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. It is impossible for me to love without being reciprocated, but even when we did not love God, He sent Jesus to die for our sins. And if we are called to be Sons of God, we must learn from the greatest love of all and we must manifest it in our daily lives.

And so I need to change my source of strength.

Draw me deeper, once more I cry out, draw me deeper.

2010-12-04T10:25:00.000-08:00

Post #166:

What am I trying to do?

To be continued.

2010-11-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

Post #165:

Who have I become?

As I look at the past, people had faith in me.

We decided to elect a leader, and of course, almost unanimously we chose Joseph. You have to admit it, for this kind of thing someone like Joseph would be good for the job. Yeah he was a good leader for this discussion, whatever you may say.

But as I look at myself now, have I misplaced that faith? When was the last time someone actually told me that they had faith in my abilities, and that they believe that I am a good leader who can lead them well? Have I mistreated the people who put their trust in me and believed that I could do it? Then what happened to me, and how did I turn out like this now?

I used to be someone that people would put their faith in, but am I still that someone now? What changed within me?

As I look at the past, people could count on me.

yeahh you know how it's been really great having you as my friend, as in REALLY GREAT. You know how it feels to have someone you can turn to so easily, be it a chat when I'm bored or when I'm totally hopeless at Math? You're someone who I can rant to and complain to and retard around much with my uber lame crap and even insult you sometimes (yeah im so sorry okay!!), yet you still put up with me and my nonsense.

People used to be able to approach me so easily and they could count on me to be the friend to help them in their times of need, to be the helping hand when they need me the most. But lately I've been more and more selfish - have I lost that spirit of helping others?

Honestly, I really don't know, can my friends still count on me? Have I really been a good friend to my friends? Seriously, no.

There are so many things in the past that I have lost, maybe through the busy-ness of things that I did not get to reflect and improve myself or I have lost myself from all the pride and fame of my "great achievements". And as my ego starts inflating, my humility and the faith that people had in me started decreasing. As I show myself to be more and more selfish, people could count on me less and less.

And maybe it's time to do some restructuring of my life, because I really want to be a better person, and a better friend. For all of you out there.

I want to lead my life with clear values and principles, and build my relationships and do acts of kindness based on those good principles that I set out as my foundation. Because right now, everything is misty and everything goes, even though it may be so so wrong at times.

I could use people as replacement like they are objects, I could manipulate people's feelings and make them cry, and if I could do all these things and yet have not realized that there's something wrong, then there's so much within me that needs to be changed.

And so I shall try to see in what ways I can return to the past, the past where I was more well-liked and where people still believed in me.

I want to be believed in again.

2010-11-29T07:15:00.000-08:00

Post #164:

It's all coming back to me now.

Everything is starting to be exactly the same as 2 years ago. EXACTLY.

The feelings are the same. I feel this deep sense of longing and waiting, mixed with gratitude for the past and full of hope yet uncertainty for the future.

The impressions are the same. I think that he's the most special person and that I'll never EVER meet someone like him in my life and so I don't ever want to lose him as a friend.

The comparisons are the same. I feel that I've been terrible in comparison, and touched that a great person would come and be friends with such a terrible person like me.

The actions are the same. I've emailed, hoping each day or each hour that he would have read the email. And even if he read it, I don't know if he'd reply. But he hasn't even read it for days.

The relationships are the same. He trusts me and I trust him too. We've known each other well for about 2 years, and recently I've hurt him before.

The wishes are the same. I really wish that hopefully next year I'd land up in the same class, and even if we don't that we'd be forever friends.

The reciprocation is the same. While I may like him a lot, he doesn't like me very much, or at least, not as mutual as my liking towards him.

My goodness, just look at the post two years ago, and it's crazy how I feel the same way now.

On one hand, I'm happy that I'm in the same class as him but he doesn't really like me. It's totally understandable, if I'm in his shoes I wouldn't like 'Joseph Lee' anyway, considering what I did to him.

Everything, the feeling I get each and every day, the burden over my heart and the crying in the bathroom. Everything is all coming back to me now.

2010-11-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

Post #163:

Look at this picture:

Its Jiahui!

Jiahui is a funny girl!

LOL ok that was totally from her blog (just that i changed Joseph to Jiahui, and boy to girl DUH ahem), found out from someone that she put this picture on her blog.

Anyway, idk why but she has a lot of names for me, she thinks "Joseph Josephine Lee" is a cool name for me, then she's been calling me "sir", saying it's some respect for seniors. Haha whuts. Oh then she has some super long name that has sth to do w my "unoriginality" and she calls me NERD or SUPER NERD too.

Haha so so many nicknames. But the best part was her sms on "I'm filament's best friend"... LALALA.

Cool, I MISS ROSYTH CONCERT BAND! Haha see the alumni is so fun, and like they are totally nice people. At least all of the alumni that actually comes back to RCB to help, or is bonded w the rest of the alumni. What a bonded band we are. AHHHH QUICKLY LET'S GO FOR BBQ!

2010-11-24T07:46:00.000-08:00

Post #162:

RCB Band Camp was awesome! Lol ok time to rant for the whole world to hear. Ok, I was teaching the Intro Course of C++ so I could not go for the first day and I could only come in the evening for the second day. But nonetheless, the experience was damn good, and I'm going to describe everything in detail. (:

So after I teach my course right, Cass suddenly smsed me: "Faster come D: i fell down damn pain". O.o Then I no choice lor cannot go home so I go to Rosyth straight... Lol then actually she fall down damn bad and got some super huge scar on her knee cuz she was chasing some p2s. Wakaka. Ok i shan't be mean.

So then at night we started practicing Gee. Then right, halfway during practice a teacher came in, and since I was the oldest leader I had to say "band stand", "band manners" for the alumni band, then everyone actually stand and greet the teacher. Haha was so funny, but then I realized that I'm getting older and older, and that I was like the oldest of the people who stayed overnight. Eeee, after this batch, I may not know anyone from the main band le. How sad.

Ok then after that was dinner and after dinner was like slack time. So we started slacking around, and I started playing the marimba with people (e.g. eugenia, den, cass, bryanchu) and we started playing songs like from Richard Clayderman (omg i forgot the name of the song) or the Simpsons theme song. Haha totally mastered the Simpsons theme song.

While we were slacking in the Band room just randomly chatting, some people went over to chomp chomp to buy food for us. Then when the chompchomp food finally arrived, we all tricked Cass into saying how she cannot eat this and that, and how she cannot drink sugarcane because of her wound. And she totally believed us and didn't eat much! Lalala sorry cass.

Ok then after that a bunch of the alumni went to sleep, while another bunch of us went to the parade square and started sharing ghost stories. Haha then some of the stories were really quite scary and I was quite scared too. :( Then after a while we all went down back to Band room and then some other alumni went to sleep. Wow it's like some elimination round, then only left 6 of us outside.

Then Bryan was showing them some really scary pictures, and cass was like ultra scared so then she moved to the other table and i, being the very nice guy and all (yes, cass, i'm very nice), go and accompany her and started talking about everything under the sun lor. (i shall not bore you, the reader, with the little details of what we talked about)

Then after that the other four of them went in to sleep at like 4am, and cass didn't want to sleep and I promised her before that I'd accompany her, so I, being the nice guy and all, kept my promise. So we continued talking until abt 5am when we finally decided to go back into the band room. Then we saw a white figure sitting up and then a handphone light moving.

So then it was super scary, cuz we all thought that it was a ghost (esp after the ghost stories). But then we thought that it could be Lin Rui, so we started calling out "Lin Rui, Lin Rui!" BUT SHE NEVER REPLY. OMG I WAS DAMN SCARED! To make things worse, cass beside me was like "ehh go go up to her" then I was like praying and walking at the same time.

Then finally actually it really was Lin Rui but she put earphones so she couldn't hear us. What a shock. Then some time I heard a scream, but then the next day I found out that some members of the band have a weird habit: they scream when they wake up OMG.Ok anyway, we tried to sleep and cass tried to sleep sitting down, but failed. So finally at 5:30 we all slept lying down...

Only to be woken up by Mr Aw at 630. So I had to take PT for the little kids, and I decided not to be evil and do compass starjumps (like what I did to some people in certain years ahem) and just do the basic simple PT for primary school students. But then again, maybe it was cuz Mr Aw and Mr Goh was there so cannot do too tough (:

Then after that we went for breakfast at S11, then went back and I took the P2s for drills. OMG they do drills so cute and I shout until no voice le. Haha then cass was like saying how the P2s guailan her, but with my aura of confidence and leadership I managed to get the P2s to like totally respect me.

Then after that I went back home to change to the Rosyth black polo, and I wanted to leave my house at like 2, but I decided that it was kindaf early so why not take a little nap? And so that's what I did, but I didn't wake up in time and luckily cass called me at 4+ to wake me up. Blehh so I was late (sorry!)

Then when I arrived, we were slacking around and JiaHui was being ultra bouncy. And she kindaf laughed at everything I did, even if I didn't do anything. I tried to do a march for March Together and she started laughing hysterically. I did a little jiggle and a little dance when she was singing Die Fledermaus and she continued laughing. In fact, she looked at my face, and she started laughing. My goodness, I must be a really funny person? Then yea we started doing weird random stuff like she took me for foot drills (and stole my phone when I wasn't looking) and made me do star jumps (and made me call her Ms Universe)

Anyway, let's shift to a different perspective to talk about the Rhapsody evening. Quoted from JiaHui's blog:

OKkkkkkkkkkkk, skip to 7PM, we got ready for concert and while waiting I called Joseph's friend to have a chat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. Everyone laughed like shit and stuff then performance started. When they played Nobody we all danced (like all the allumni, super joke lah, we following our great leader Joseph). And we danced for YMCA too. Haha, then we performed Gee. Quite ok since like most of us only practiced once and the rest were sight-reading. :_) Hmmm, then we went back to the band room after that and I called a lot of people. And everyone laughed like... damn freaking a lot haha. Funny lah :_) We really like laughed and laughed and laughed :_) So funny.

Yea, she called Philemon and then started saying about "how I was in SNYO", "how I'm terribly hurt by Philemon taking our relationship as a joke", "how Philemon keeps eating and is very fat", "how I'm a very sensitive person" and "how I want to break up with him". O.o Haha she ended the convo with something like "Don't leave me.... Ok byebye" wakaka.

Ok, then finally we went to Chomp Chomp, had a few laughters about some sick jokes and that was kindaf the end of the Band Camp.

WHEEE! Looking forward to next year's band camp

2010-11-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

Post #161:

It's time to go back.

To the time where I wanted to be a good friend. To the time where I wasn't used to having friends and so I didn't take any of my friends for granted. To the time when I wanted to be prepared to be a sanctuary, to be there for others when they need me.

I want to go back.

I want to go back to the time when I was pure, when I was innocent, when I was honest and when I truly had a pure heart. Not one with many secret intentions or ulterior motives or hidden desires, but one that was true and pure to serving the people. To love the people around me.

I want to love.

But I want to be loved back too. I want my love to be returned from those whom I give them to. I want people whom I like to have a mutual feeling towards me as well. But then again, I want to be able to want to love even when they don't love me back. But somehow, I can't do that anymore.

I've lost it. And I want it back.

2010-10-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

Time to report my EOY/Overall Results:

English: 49/60, Overall 3.6

Physics: 76/80, Overall 4.0

Chemistry: 63/80, Overall 4.0

Biology: 89(+3)/100, Overall 4.0

Maths 1: 59.5/60, Overall 4.0

Maths 2: 56/60, Overall 4.0

Geography: 32/40, Overall 4.0

Social Studies: 25/40, Overall 3.6

CEP: 61/70, Overall 4.0

Overall GPA: 3.8

Prizes:

Top in Physics

Top in CEP

Rank: #60

Feeling: Disappointed.

2010-10-20T01:47:00.000-07:00

Post #159: Post-EOYs (gettit? Post? O.o)

EOYs are over OMG OMG OMG!

Okays, this should be a long post.

Let's start on how I did for the EOYs.

Maths (2 and 1): Surprising

It was kindaf surprising that I managed to finish the paper... early. (It was so surprisingly early that I thought I must have missed out some questions so I began counting the marks) I'm sure I got some careless mistakes here and there but on the whole I think Maths should be quite safe. I love those "Show that..." questions, because you know whether you are on the right track or not and you know whether you got the answer or not (well, if you managed to show it!) Everyone said 2 was much harder than 1, but I personally don't really agree on that. Anyway, I've been practicing really hard for my Maths because I know it's double weightage and I ultimately cannot afford to drop this.

English: Average

I don't know how I did, but I hope I did really well because I have to count English in my final GPA

Biology: Really surprising

Well, I'm surprised that I can do the paper with a certain amount of ease even though I've been sleeping in class (sorry Mr. Ng!). Well, then again, many of the questions were from the 2009 paper (some even totally the same omg!) and luckily I did the 2009 paper the night before the test so yay me!

SS: No time

Well, when you're given 45 minutes for an essay, how much can you write? Plus, I think I'm going to drop SS so I didn't really study. In the end, my conclusion was half my essay O.o amazing hurh!

Chemistry: Fail.

Ok, I have a reason for at least losing 20+ marks (OUT OF 80!). No 1: I was too complacent over my 79/80 for Chem EOYs last year and 96% Overall for Chem that I totally left the studying to the very last minute (i.e. the day before). No 2: The day before where I was supposed to chiong study, well, I reached home and slept on the sofa. No 3: I was so sleepy on the test I didn't know what I was doing, I knew the answer (sorta) and yet I put the wrong answer down. Terrible! Oh well, no chance of getting 4.0 for Chem this year (WHAT A DROP!) and so I'm going to drop Chem.

Physics: Blehh.

Ok, I must admit, I didn't screw up too badly. But I don't think I can get the full marks already. A few reasons: No 1 I have some questions wrong (and I only thought of the right answer after he said pens down. Amazing how those two words and give ideas to my brain. I must say it often during the test then) No 2 I'm a very careless person. I lost 2 marks for s.f. errors last year, so who knows whether I will this year. No 3 I random diced some of my MCQ answers. Well, this was what happened for one of the question, I didn't know how to do it so I prayed, and after that I random coin to see what the answer was. Turns out, my prayer worked and the answer that the calculator gave me was correct! Hopefully I can get high enough to get Top n Level. Hopefully.

Geography: No time too...

Wow, it's amazing how much I can write, so much so that I'm out of time for Geog paper. But I really do hope I write the correct stuff that they are looking for in their marking scheme (their marking scheme is one of the most mysterious things). The essay was couped from one of the past year papers, and I was trying out the past year paper, I did the same exact essay and I consulted my teacher Mrs. Chee on my attempted essay. Lucky I was hardworking enough to photocopy past year papers...

CEP: Fail (by my standards)

Ok I totally forgot a lot of things that was taught, I should have went with my gut feeling for the MCQ, and my program couldn't work. Man, I was stuck at Task 1 for like more than half the time of the practical exam because the code I written before DID NOT WORK EITHER. I should have studied much harder but I was in this whole post-exam mood. When I found out I got super little time left to do more than half the paper, I panicked, my eyes started twitching and I couldn't concentrate on coding. In the end, nothing worked. :/

So, my EOYs in conclusion were kindaf screwed up I must admit, but that's mainly because I only study the last minute. Haiz... I should really start studying earlier. Well, time to apply what I've learnt in JC (hopefully in JC i'll read this post). JC JOSEPH, STUDY EARLIER!

Haha, ok so now it's after EOYs, what to do?

1) Play

DUH it's after EOYs, must go celebrate, play a few computer games, go out with friends and play cards/sports, I can't wait!

2) O-level HCL

Haiz... While the EOYs are over, Chinese isn't. I better study hard to get a good grade if not I GGXX in the o-level then I have to retake in JC (NOOOO!)

3) Programming course

Hooomygosh I am so excited about preparing for my programming course. I love teaching, I love programming - therefore I double love teaching programming. So much so that I made an "advertisement" on the course. (amazing hurh). See below:

Similar to informatics.RI series in 2008, we are offering a short course (just two days so that you don't get bored) on computer science as part of our new series on "RInformatics 2010". At RI, we want our students to be able to excel and lead in the increasingly technologically-driven society that we live in today. For that to happen, we want students to transcend basic knowledge of computers and progress to learn more about the inner workings of computers.

We believe that learning is a lot more useful when it's fun. This year, we are offering you a course, an Introduction to Competitive Programming in C++. The syllabus includes basic programming concepts, C++ syntax and an introduction to Dynamic Programming. It is a condensed and concise course that pack in a great deal of information while remaining highly engaging and enjoyable. The best part of this: it is completely free and there is no prerequisite knowledge of C++ needed!

The course will be held on the 22nd and 23rd November (Mon and Tue) from 9 am - 4:30 pm on both days. Lunch will be provided.

If you enjoy competitive programming, you may choose to go for a 5-day course "Intensive training for Competitive Programming in C++" held on the 29th November to 3rd December after these two days. You may even be selected to go for the National Olympiad for Informatics 2011, where top contestants win cool prizes (such as an Netbooks, hard drives and other useful gadgets).

Why not learn something useful this holiday? Hurry and sign up for this course as there is limited vacancy.

How can you sign up? Send josephlee.94@gmail.com an email containing your name, class and contact number with "RInformatics 2010" as the subject. You will receive a reply within 24 hours to confirm that you have signed up and your place in the class will be reserved. Please email this information by the 12th November. In fact, do it as fast as possible before the limited supply of slots run out!

See you there!

So yea, that's it, looking forward to my Post-EOY days (some of them at least)

Post #158: A low point in my life II

2010-09-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Post #158: A low point in my life II

So sad, sept hols are nearly over.

Hmm... let's see what I've done:

Mon/Tue: Random about comp games/play EBF3

Ok it isn't much I know, but I need a break, I have not touched computer games or just slack around in a very long time with schoolwork and everything popping in my head. But somehow, I just can't get rid of the worries, I can't get rid of the thoughts, but yet I'm moodless to do it, and these worries about what's going to happen to my Chinese Oral or my English EOY exam or for Investiture, all three of which I haven't prepared for, are just draining me. I guess doing these random stuff helps give me some rest and well I just want to do random lame stuff that I never done before like how I used to in the past, but I wish it could help me finish my revision too.

Haha, so some games that I played were like RCT2 (i finally completed crazy castle with epic roller coasters), O2Mania (i'm stuck at my skill level and can't improve much dno why), Neopets (i miss the times in primary school when i go over to my parents school for some reason and they have work to do so they give me a comp and i just well, play neopets. was fun i suppose. back then.), EBF3 (omg this is ultra epic i love this game and i got addicted to the game, all the witty humour and cool moves)

So there you have it, how I spent my first two days of the holiday.

Wed/Thur: Sleepover

Ok I had band in the morning (and surprise surprise Mr. Oura came in and wanted combined concert and gave us probably the SYF piece for next year for RIMB O.o - omg satoshi yagisawa commissioned the piece just for RIMB) and therefore was a bit late for the meeting w lowjr, edward and raph. So anw I met them at Food Junction at 1+, got lunch then rushed over to Khatib MRT because I booked a badminton court in Yishun Stadium. But when we reached there, the MRT station guy lied to us and gave us wrong directions, so we asked passerbys for directions and finally got to the stadium. About 20 minutes late.

So yea, unfortunately it was fully booked and we had to stop playing badminton at 3+, so after that we went to my house. When we reached my house, went up and started slacking around playing 6 pple bridge or guessing the song on lowjr's iPad or continue playing EBF3, then after that we started on this epic game of RISK. You know, last year Sept hols we were also playing RISK, but me and lowjr won the game. This time, both of us lost. Haha so sad we got beaten by the "Alliance". RISK is fun, really, and it should be a tradition if we have Sept hols sleepover to play Risk. Haha, but it's sad if you get wiped out, cuz then you'd have nothing to do :(

Ok, then after playing RISK, Justin came 2 hours late because he lost his way and Pizza Hut arrived! So had dinner, then went back up to play a lot of games of Werewolf. Fun thing was, everyone had a role so nobody was like left out as a villager. The roles for 7 pple werewolf were: 2 werewolves, 1 king defender, 1 queen defender, 1 cupid, 1 village elder, 1 fortune teller. I'm writing this in my blog so that next time if I read it I'd know how to play 7 pple werewolf. Good thing was there was no need for a storyteller thanks to the creativity of some pple. (:

Then after that was just more slacking around and chatting, Justin already slept on the floor, me + lowjr + raph were talking about our life stories and what happened from our earliest memories. Haha, was really fun, never talked like that in a very very long time. Reminded me of boarding, how we would sleep together or just chat with each other until really late at night. Then we slept at 5, but unlike last year where one bed was empty, all beds were full but Shi Kang was sleeping alone because Raph wanted to sleep in some corner haha. Edward with Luo and me with lowjr (like last year i think what a coincidence!)

Hmm... ok I knew I blogged about this last year, so I just went back to my archives to check and yes here it is: "Post #115: A low point in my life" Haha, oh the pun, never gets old. Ooohh... look at this: "Risk was really really fun, i allied with jr and we owned everyone upside down. I had the whole of north america, south america and europe, jr had the whole of asia. Irvin had half of Africa and raph had Australia, Luo resigned at the start of the game and became Irvin's great advisor... Haha so situpi anw in the end jr captured 3 capitals with such a loyal ally like me. All my troops were super strong cuz well I'm pro hehe... " Haha. Epic traditions. You know what, I'm going to rename my post to "A low point in my life II"! If ever I blog next year about a sleepover on Sept hols I should name it "A low point in my life III" and haha who knows it can be a series! O.o Haha, a rededication to lowjr! (don't know if he'll see this, don't know if he even still reads my blog. JR, if you're reading this please tell me on MSN haha)

Then the next day we woke up, I overslept (sorry guys) and then we went to play tabletennis (which I must say lowjr is really good at). After tabletennis most of us wanted to go off for lunch but then luo and raph were still playing so we waited (or at least I told them to wait) then when we went off to casuarina raph had to go and luo wanted to go with, so lowjr punched me like ultra hard. O.o but then in the end, guess what, luo came back haha and then everyone ordered a lot (service was really slow though) so a lot of people could barely finish, and edward had one whole cheese prata untouched.

After that we went our separate ways, I went to buy some stuff from Popular, and I must say the sleepover was really really fun. See what happens next year bah! Went back to sleep and continue playing EBF3, talk on MSN...etc.

Friday: Day outing

Haha, ok I must really be lonely but I love going out. So on Friday, we had a 2P gathering sorta. Went to school in the morning to play badminton and luckily I brought tabletennis bats + ball because there were tabletennis tables and net in the school hall. Haha, but they were cleaning up or doing some funny renovation, so the security uncle chased us out, but halfway in packing, the security uncle asked us how long we'd take and I told him "about an hour", so he let us play on the count that "I'm a really good boy", and wow I was so touched so THANKS UNCLE! (:

Was fun I suppose, I owned everyone in tabletennis (shijie and kaijun are not bad though), and badminton we played doubles me+sj vs jlim+samuel and we beat them YAY haha i never played badminton seriously for very long. Need to restring my rackets le. Ok, so we played and played and despite some squishy-nose-person's hungry stomach played until 1+, then had lunch and went over to Marina Square. Played pool (i suck at it sorry!) then bowling. 1st game i was second, behind kaijun with a score of 90 (that's because the first 5 balls i played were gutter shots), then after that i rebounced back up the 2nd game to be 1st (kaijun was last lolol) with a score of 119. Not bad I suppose for someone who haven't played bowling in ages.

Then after bowling, went for dinner at Yoshinoya where we took out Monopoly Deal and started playing. To get the spot for us to play in Yoshinoya, we took turns to order our food and eat at intervals so that they can't chase us out (: But all dinners must come to an end, and we all finished unfortunately after 2 games i think. So we went around looking for places to play more Monopoly Deal and we found HOBO PARADISE! Haha perfect hobo spot where we can sit down and people won't walk through us, have nice view and water sound and quite good lighting even at night. So we played more monopoly deal (it's such a fun game) where brandon took epicly long to think of his strategies. O.o After that played some daidi with my epic huge cards and matthew soh came along and recognized me by my epic huge cards. Haha, a "Joseph Lee Signature"... xD

Yay, so went back home to sleep, feeling happy about a wonderful fun day out. (:

Saturday: ?

Ok, Saturday was quite fail because I overslept, until like 4~5 (haven't had so much sleep in quite a while), so I didn't go for RWinds SORRY! Just a slack day, felt a bit lonely I guess after being so social for the past 3 days, but the best thing was: I FINISHED EBF3 ON NORMAL MODE! HOOOMYGOSH I AM SO HAPPY. I realize most of my addictions are short, like Liar Game ended when I finished watching both series + movie, and EBF3 ended when I finished the game lalala. (: was fun while it lasted, but now that I've defeated an epic boss, I have to face an epic load of homework and mugging... Sad!

So yea, that's my Sept hols. (:

2010-08-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

Post #157:

The past is so different from the present.

Life was great. I was filled so much so that I could give of myself to others but now I feel so drained I just need to be filled once more. Maybe it's the whole mugging and the HCL Prelims + CCA + every other random stuff like relationships, and so maybe all I need is a break. Well, I'll have one soon, but will that help? I don't know, I sure hope so.

Life was great. I had so much fun last time, I looked forward to school and class, but now I dread going for classes in which I can't really slack and sleep. I used to love coming to school, I used to love building friendships with my classmates, but now I just can't wait to get into a new JC class to start afresh. I used to look forward to every night in boarding because there'd be friends to chat with or play bridge with or mug with, but now I trudge back home knowing that it'd just be me and the computer. Again.

Life was great. But I know, somehow, life can be greater. Someday. That day I await.

2010-08-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

Post #156:

I'm so childish.

Haha. I look back at all my emails, or even my blogposts and I realized how childish I was. Like really really childish.

And yet, I refuse to grow up. I refuse to lose my innocence. I refuse to detach myself and lose my child-likeness, to be mature and to have no such views on friendship. I refuse to be like those high-up businessmen who say "Work is important and you should put aside friendships for work at times". My goodness, I even saw some 'inspirational' book who tells you that socializing is a time-waster that will suck out your time from being productive. Well, if the book was mine, I'd throw it out of the window. Too bad it wasn't.

But I'm a child living in a grown-up world. I'm someone who searches for people like me when everyone else has grown up. And so I'm forced to grow up, I'm forced to put on a fake mask on myself. But I'm sure that out there, there's someone out there who's just like me, who feels just the same way and who is just as child-like and innocent.

Is there? Or has everyone grown?

Since nobody tags on my cbox anymore, I decided to just disable it. Well, if you have any comments, talk to me personally, add me on msn or something.

2010-08-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Post #155:

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So, I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight.

2010-08-10T03:19:00.000-07:00

Persisting - Do stick to it.
Communicating with clarity and precision - Be clear.
Managing impulsivity - Take your time.
Gathering data through all senses - Use your natural pathways.
Listening with understanding and empathy - Understand others.
Creating, imagining, innovating - Try a different way.
Thinking flexibly - Look at it another way.
Responding with wonderment and awe - have fun figuring it out.
Thinking about your thinking (metacognition) - Know your knowing.
Taking responsible risks - Venture out.
Striving for accuracy and precision - Find the best possible solution.
Finding humour - Laugh a little.
Questioning and problem posing - How do you know.
Thinking interdependently - Learning with others.
Applying past knowledge to new situations - Use what you learn.
Remaining open to continuous learning - Learn from experiences

2010-08-09T06:16:00.000-07:00

Post #153:

I was right all along.

I never knew I would be right in such a way though.

You've changed. You've grown. You're different.

And as I return, I search and search but cannot find. And although it's the same person, I cannot find what I used to enjoy.

It seemed he had come through the changes

unchanged, searching still the place

for signs leading home, or out of the streets

emptying into loss, whichever turn he took.

All is utterly changed, the map useless

for navigation in the lost city. Only an echo

remains, the man haunting and sniffing

where the Alley had been, measuring

its absence till the spirit of place returns.

2010-08-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Post #152:

I am a doomed man. I have no private interests, no affairs, sentiments, ties nor even a name of my own.

I am a revolutionary.

2010-07-31T23:56:00.001-07:00

2010-07-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

GET LOST! GET AWAY! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

WHY? WHAT? HAIZ...

GRAHHHHHHHHHHH!

2010-07-29T08:54:00.001-07:00

I've been alone with you inside my mind

And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times

I sometimes see you pass outside my door

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide

'Cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair

And tell you time and time again how much I care

Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow

Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do

Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?

Tell me how to win your heart

For I haven't got a clue

But let me start by saying, I love you ...

2010-07-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

Post #148:

It's time to set some real ground rules for myself.

Rule #1: Time.

Time is very precious, there is only one journey that we can make so we must make use of it and make no regrets. This means that I should be more productive and efficient with my time, and stop wasting it by waiting for people to reply on MSN or checking out who to talk to on MSN. So, here are a few rules: initiate conversation only when it's important or work-related. All other types of convo, just be the last person to talk and then close that convo to wait for the reply and talk only as a reply (or so that you will be the last person to talk).

And I should close the MSN main window to make sure that I don't go to it and check who is online that I can talk to. If I keep wasting time, I'm taking all my talents and all the great gifts that God has given me for granted. I must treasure my time, my youthfulness before I lose it, so I must stop comparing with those who are luckier than me but rather focus and be glad on what I have rather than what I don't. A person complained he has no shoes until he saw someone with no feet.

I must stop procrastinating. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. So don't procrastinate because the road may be long or the load may be heavy. Instead, don't focus on the troubles, make the journey more fun and enjoyable for yourself. (:

Rule #2: Joy.

It's inevitable to face adversity, it's inevitable to feel down and depressed when things are getting tough. But while everyone faces setbacks and failures, not everyone gets depressed. And it stands out from the rest when you can be joyful despite all the adversity: so it's time to not let the circumstances around me affect my joy. Nobody can make me sad without my permission. And after all, God's salvation is waaay bigger, what is compared to that? When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

So what if there are failures? So what if you are fearful? Doesn't mean that we shouldn't try it, it just means that we should try harder: if trying doesn't get me there, nothing will. So despite any circumstances, I've got a smile on my face, a glide in my stride... And I'm going to keep going, to keep persevering and to keep enduring, because I can do more than what I what I can: keep my goal in sight and press on even when tired! I must always give my very best in all I do!

Rule #3: Friends.

To make friends one first must be friendly. Well isn't that obvious? Care and show concern for people, be there for them when nobody is. This will make you a special friend, there in their ups and downs and treasured more than you'll ever know. Always encourage others and don't discourage. A deaf frog thoughts the other frogs were encouraging him and persevered and succeeded. Always praise, never criticize. It really brings joy to a person's heart when we praise them.

3 rules for myself for now, see how long I can keep it up. (if I even remember the rules)

2010-07-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Post #147:

Firm foundation.

Well, now that I have a firm foundation, I know I can stand secure!

Do you know how terrible it is not to have a firm foundation? When everything is shaking, you would want to hold on to something solid to keep yourself in balance, but what if it is your foundation shaking? What can you hold on to? What if the ground below you starts to fall? But with a firm foundation, you can go further. You can use it to stand, you can use it to reach out to the stars.

I don't know what to do sometimes, I just feel so extremely at times you know. Like maybe I'm a bit oversensitive and destructive and I keep getting pulled down by the worries of life. Homework here, projects due there, CCA commitments here and there, and when things start crumbling, well, at least you have a firm foundation to stand secure and to hold firm.

I put my hope in Your Holy Word.

2010-07-22T07:04:00.001-07:00

Post #146:

It's time for Phase II

2010-07-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Post #145:

SIBF is on Friday.

Ahh I really hope that we can prove ourselves, let this be a step back into the glory days after suffering so much defeat and darkness in RIMB. Let's do it together! Unity, people!

I really hope Kei Jun can save the section next year as well. :/

2010-07-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Post #144:

It's time to be more productive.

I am so blessed. I am blessed with such a gifted brain, blessed with great talents, blessed with wonderful friends around me, blessed with so so much. It's terrible to waste something so great given to me by God because I'm just sitting down and doing nothing.

I am so blessed. I must use my talents for good, I must make sure I invest time and effort into constantly improving myself. I must learn new things, improve existing skills, do important tasks and build stronger relationships.

I am so blessed. God loves me.

2010-07-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

        C                    Em7     Am7

Let your Spirit come let your will be done

            Dm7              G

Let your presence fall on me

              C                     Em   Am7

Christ you set me free you’re my liberty

            Dm7      G7      C

Let your presence fall on me

    C/B     Am7                     Em7

Let the power of the Holy Ghost fall in this place

Come and change my heart renew me

With your mercy and your grace

   C/B       Am7

Where the love of Christ surrounds me

Em7

Come closer to my side

            Dm7            G

Let your Spirit fall on me

I have a solution. But it's really so hard to implement my solution. Haiz. My solution works, but can I carry out my solution? I'm forcing myself to anyway.

2010-07-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

Post #142:

Don't you comprehend the situation? You are their only hope.

Singapore has been flooded badly by torrential rain lately; but can you imagine what such torrential rain and storm will cause in an ocean? There are people out there in the raging seas, desperately crying out for help. The waves are strong and their hope is slim.

What are we doing in our rescue boats? Are we enjoying life and living as if our rescue boat is a luxury boat? We say: "The rain outside is too heavy, we will be uncomfortable in it"; but don't you comprehend the situation? You are their only hope! Send our your lifeboats, go out into the storm and face the challenges and suffering! Never lose sight of those people out there crying for help. Stop being indifferent to the lost, harassed and helpless by the storms while we slack around in our rescue boat.

When you say somebody is just a 'friend', you expect something out of them. You expect them to treat you as how you treat them, to reciprocate. And when they don't, you don't feel like treating them as a friend anymore because they hurt you. Because you have counted on them and expected them to reciprocate but they failed to. (at least this applies to me since I value mutuality) Because you have been through too much suffering and storms and discomfort to want to continue on with the friendship.

But when you really love someone, you don't come in the picture. When you really want to rescue someone, you don't care how hard the journey to that person may be, you don't care how heavy the rain and storm may be, you will suffer and face that storm to rescue that person! You don't expect the trip to be rewarding or comfortable, you don't expect anything from the person. You don't expect anything in return for that trip but the sweet knowledge that the person will be safe and sound after your rescue trip. You are willing to go into the storm to fish the person out. Love is selfless.

Your lifeboat is the nearest to some of these people whom you need to rescue. You are their only hope and you have been placed so near to that life, a life just like yours and mine, by the winds of life to rescue the people you can rescue. Don't wait for another lifeboat to come and rescue that person: it is not promised nor guaranteed that when that lifeboat comes, the person has not already drowned in the vast ocean.

I have been planning moves on the chessboard of life and relationships way too long, with my aim solely in mind. It's time to change.

2010-07-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Post #141:

I'm really lost.

I think I've lost the feeling. I don't want to lose everything.

Terrible.

2010-07-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

Post #140:

I'm drowning

In your sea of forgetfulness

The chains of yesterday surround me

I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up where you found me

And it echoes in my mind

Keeps me awake tonight

I want to be like how I used to be. :/ Blehh...

I miss me.

2010-07-15T04:47:00.000-07:00

Post #139:

There is a longing only You can fill

A raging temptest only You can still

My soul is thirsty

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :( I'm losing the feeling. I need it again. I'm desperate for it, I'm lost without it. Soon all I will have left is the knowledge of the feeling, but can I feel it again? Can I imagine myself in that feeling once more? I don't want to just know that I felt it before, but never be able to feel it again.

This is terrible. I've been feeding my heart with the wrong things. I've been making myself full with the unhealthy things, with the things of the world. And is that why my heart is in such a black state now? I look into my heart, and I see a heart full of stains, full of blackness, full of dirt and dust. My heart has been filled with the wrong things.

It's time to change. I need to re-fill my heart with the correct things. I need to be hungry again before I can re-fill my heart with the right things again. I need to thirst once more, for I rather thirst and get my heart filled with the goodness rather than it being filled with badness and always full.

Come Holy Spirit

Fall afresh on me

Fill me with Your power

Satisfy my needs

Only You can make me whole

Give me strength to make me grow

Come Holy Spirit

Fall afresh on me

Fall afresh on me.